Repurposing Trauma
Cancer has not been the only major battle in my life. I was in a toxic marriage for years prior to my diagnosis. I held on for as long as I could to try to save my family, but it was killing me. I can’t help but wonder if the ongoing stress contributed to my health issues. I believe it did.
I’ve learned some hard lessons about pain inflicted by another person over the past 10+ years. Most recently, I have been struggling my way through another trial brought on by this repeat offender in my life. Narcissistic abuse is real, and it is traumatizing. You never know what will come next. I know I’m not alone in this, so I thought I’d share my heart.
1. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. (Borrowed from Maya Angelou)
2. No matter what you do, you can’t control another person’s actions or their desire to be a decent human being. Some people are simply not capable of real change, they can only act and disguise.
3. If you don’t accept that some people will never do the right thing, you will continue to feel old wounds open up over and over again after each offense, causing you to live in a constant state of hurt and confusion.
4. Some people are so wounded and selfish, they are not capable of feeling true remorse, they are only “sorry” for show. They live in absolute denial and don’t care how their actions will impact anyone…not even their own children.
5. Don’t let pain brought on by an empty soul of a human turn to bitterness. If you feel lost in your pain and don’t recognize who you used to be, don’t give up. Keep reminding yourself of who God made you to be. He will fight for you.
6. Feel your feelings and don’t bury them, healing from extreme trauma is a process that can take years…cry when you need to, reach out to others, be patient with yourself.
7. The emptiness joy stealers feel is so excruciating and lonely, they will never know the peace of genuine love. No matter how much they “seem” to get away with, they are empty inside.
8. No matter how many times someone takes from you, they can’t take the true and pure love that God and others have for you, and the peace that brings. Stick close to the people that love you authentically. I’m so grateful for my husband, my family and my tribe.
9. The high road is hard to take at times, but you always win when you do.
10. With God’s help and the support of others, you can repurpose your trauma for good. Find something you are passionate about and keep pouring into it. This is a process I will personally continue to strive for, for as long as I live. No one can take that away from me.
XO,
C
Healthline Feature
Back in 2o22, I had the pleasure of working with Healthline on a very important article about life after breast cancer. My part covered maintaining a support network after treatment has ended.
You can read more on Healthline through this link!
XO,
C
Reclaiming Stolen Moments of Joy
In the middle of challenging seasons, especially when suffering from health issues that are out of our control—it can be very difficult to experience joy.
To experience joy, we must have open hearts and relaxed minds. But many times, the moment we relax and start to feel a tingling of joy, we find ourselves being robbed blind…yet again.
So, how can we open our hearts and relax our minds when our alarms are set to protect us from joy thieves lurking around every corner?
Many people combine the words "joy" and "happiness," thinking that they have the same meaning, but there is a crucial difference between the two. I found this excerpt from a 2022 Time Magazine article particularly helpful: Joy is the state of feeling freedom, safety and ease. Unlike some other positive emotions, like compassion and contentment, experiencing joy often depends on preparing for it, rather than spontaneously feeling it, says Philip C. Watkins, a professor of psychology at Eastern Washington University who’s authored many of the leading research papers on joy.
One of the best ways to usher in joy is to strengthen bonds with friends and family. “The most intense joy experiences are probably experienced in relationships,” he says. Filling your life with meaningful goals and purpose is also essential, Watkins notes, as is cultivating an open mindset—and not just to the good stuff. “If you’re open to joy, you have to be open to disappointment,” he says. “Paradoxically, in terms of experiencing joy, there has to be a willingness to experience loss and sadness.”
Gulp, that was hard to digest and accept.
Health Benefits of Joy
According to this article published in Harvard Health Publishing, your immune system can be strengthened by your mental state (immune cells even have receptors for neurotransmitters). Interventions to increase joy may also decrease stress hormones, improve pain, and relieve depression. Finding joy can help you live longer.
Although not always easy, reclaiming stolen joy is about redefining the difficult moments that life has thrown at us. We may not be able to control the outcome, but we can control what we choose to focus on and be grateful for.
Full disclosure. Yesterday, I did not want to pack boxes. I was feeling defeated yet again and frustrated by my healing process and pain. I pushed forward and I found joy in reading our applicants submissions and packing special items in their boxes. These women are going through the unimaginable and showing them love brings me such joy.
It turned my day around—and for that I am so grateful.
What will you focus on to reclaim your stolen joy today?
“When troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. ” James 1:2-3
XO,
C
Grief
Grief
b : annoying or playful criticism
c : an unfortunate outcome : DISASTER
According to the first article that popped up when I googled the word…grief is the experience of coping with loss. Most of us think of grief as happening in the painful period following the death of a loved one. But grief can accompany any event that disrupts or challenges our sense of normalcy or ourselves. This includes the loss of connections that define us. For me, it now includes the loss of my breasts and I am sure many of you can relate.
When I underwent my mastectomy in 20215, I never thought about grief as it related to the loss of my breasts. I was going through a divorce at the time, from someone who mistreated me horribly over the years. I was betrayed over and over again while I poured out forgiveness—and did my best to save my children from experiencing the pain of a split home. It was devastating. To be completely transparent with you, the only reason I fought so hard during my battle with cancer was for my children. I am embarrased that I got that low, but I was so torn down and defeated by my previous husband’s mistreatment that losing my breasts seemed like nothing. Until now.
Fast forward to 2023 and my implants started giving me trouble. The tightness became so bad in my chest it felt hard to breathe at times. I went to visit my surgeon and she told me it was time to replace the implants, the scarring was horrible and one had been recalled. I showed up at the hospital on January 5, 2024, excited and ready to feel better physically. I wasn’t prepared for the PTSD that came over me when I changed out of my clothes into that heated hospital gown.
It all came rushing back. Every painful memory of the past that I had buried to fight cancer. I wrote about the abuse inflicted on me by my previous husband through my blog, but I never actually grieved. I was angry and devastated. I also finally grasped the realization of what was about to happen to me again physically—and I had to face the fact that I would (once again) have to embrace another change to my body. I also realized I needed to have some difficult conversations with people from my past who found their way into my abuser’s path of destruction alongside me. My fight through active treatment is over, but my fight to accept my new body, what happened to me and grieve my past abuse properly has just begun.
I’ll be the first to admit that until this last surgery, I have coped in unhealthy ways since my diagnosis, burying things just seemed easier at the time. Some days, I just wanted to be numb. BUT, I am here to tell you, it will sneak up on you if you don’t take time to grieve your losses properly. I can understand why people gravitate towards unhealthy coping mechanisms…and I am not proud to tell you that I did. Alcohol, shopping and travel that I couldn’t afford became my escapes when I needed them, instead of focusing on my health and wellbeing. I drove my friends (who never stopped loving me) crazy with my dating life and recklessness.
I am glad to tell you that as much as my recent surgery slapped me with PTSD and postponed grief, it also snapped me into a place where I feel happier than I have ever felt. It’s sounds crazy to be happy and grieving at the same time, but I have found so much joy in helping others—and sharing hope with women like me, who are facing the unimaginable. The night before my surgery, I felt God tell me to “stop”. I don’t know exactly why I heard that, but I knew in my heart He meant for me to stop the unhealthy coping and holding onto bitterness from past hurts. I felt Him telling me that he would replace my need to escape with something I won’t need an escape from…and Boxed by an Angel was born.
Although the happiest I have felt in a long time, I am finally grieving the loss of my breasts and now additional changes to my body. I haven’t healed as well as I had hoped and I may be facing another surgery in a few months. It’s hard to look in the mirror right now, I don’t like what I see. I am doing my best to be grateful, but I vowed to be honest with you all, so I am not holding back. I do want to be sensitive to those who have had much worse reflections to accept, but at the same time, I need to validate my own feelings and grieve my losses properly.
As far as the hurt from my past, it has resurfaced again…right when I am launching something beautiful. Even when expressing the need for time to process and grieve, an abuser won’t listen…they will continue to bully. Some people will never accept responsibility for the trauma they inflicted, they won’t back off…not even long enough to give time for the abused to grieve properly and process their trauma. For some, staying in a place of complete and utter denial is the only way they can cope…and live with themselves.
I am tired of letting someone who doesn’t deserve my tears continue to take me to a dark place. I know God has my situation in the palm of His hands and I will continue to trust in that alone. I am working hard every day to forgive and to pray for the one that has hurt me the most…but I am wounded—and I fall short at times. I am still angry! I haven’t had the time I need to let go of my pain because it’s been one offense after the other since 2003. But this is where grace comes in. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband and protector, Brad. He has been with me every painful step along the way. He has shown me what it feels like to be truly and unconditionally loved by a spouse…and I am so blessed to be his wife.
I know many don’t have the support system I am blessed with…but that is why I am here. I want to be a member of your tribe if you will have me. I am not perfect, but I am doing my best to be honest and share love and hope with those that are struggling through very messy situations like mine. We are in this together!
My grief has a purpose and God has a plan. I will continue to trust He is STILL working all things together for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
XO,
C
Hello From the Married Side
I married the love of my life on June 11, 2022 in Vero Beach, Florida. Ever since that day, life hasn’t slowed down long enough to draft a post! Our wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. Although we didn't see the sunset I prayed for, we did receive all the love and support from those we hold most dear.
My dad who will turn 80 in October, walked me down the aisle. My best friend officiated the ceremony. My oldest daughter was my Maid of Honor and all four of my children were there to witness. Although not my first marriage, I can say without a doubt it will be my last. My husband is a gift from God...and someone I will never take for granted.
This blog I hold dear has been with me through so many phases of life. Many times I go back and read my previous posts just to remember the long road I have walked. Some of the things I posted about then may not be perfectly related to the situations in life that I am facing currently, but I always find little nuggets that I can apply. For that, I applaud myself. Wisdom comes through life's twists and turns—and there is so much to be shared with our future selves.
I have learned much about God's timing in the past few months. I have struggled with him, questioned him—and even screamed at him a couple of times in the shower. But as one of my pastors told me long ago...he can take it. I will say, every time I have ever questioned him, the answer came. Maybe not in the time when I was seeking it most, but He's proved himself to me every time.
I say this because when you are going through something tough, the majority of the people around you may send thoughts and well wishes, but they may not be in a place to truly relate to what you are facing. I have been guilty of this myself. Let this be a reminder that no matter what you are facing...there is always something better on the other side. Life's struggles never feel like a blessing—and the blessings that will come after the hardships are the last thing we focus on during the storm. But I promise you if you hold on...something wonderful WILL trump all of the bad days. Now, I am officially an “Angel”.
XO,
C
Let it Burn
“Some people are in such utter darkness that they will burn you just to see a light. Try not to take it personally.” —Kamand Kojouri
What you see burning above are my old journals. So much pain on those pages. Almost 20 years' of burns—all started by the same person.
We moved recently, I wasn't ready. I didn't want to let go of the only home my children ever knew, but it was time. To be completely transparent (as I commit to be on this blog) I was forced into the decision, due to my previous partner's lack of responsibility to his obligations. But enough about him. No longer do I want this blog to be a place to vent about the pain someone in darkness has caused me. I want to focus on what I gained when I found my way out of it, to a much brighter place.
Although it was a difficult move for our family, it was a good one. We are in a new space and already making new memories. I burned all of the old ones (including my wedding dress) before we shut the door for the last time. ;)
A move is the perfect time for a fresh start! But, you can take the good memories with you. For me it will be my babies' first steps, the kids' first slumber parties, hurricane lockdowns, dance parties in the kitchen, back patio nights with friends...and my family coming over for Sunday dinners.
All of this to say, if you are ready for a fresh start, don't take the bad with you. Burn it...and get ready to be blessed more than you ever expected.
XO,
C
Assumptions
Assumptions. I know exactly what you are hearing in your head right now. Assumptions, they make and a%& out of you and me. What's the worst assumption that you have made? If you are brave enough, leave it in the comments. But before you do, let's break down what an assumption is so we can better realize when we are making one.
An assumption is something that you assume to be the case, even without proof. For example, people might make the assumption that you're a nerd if you wear glasses, even though that's not true. Or very nice. (I wear glasses and I wish I was a nerd.) 🤓
One of my clients, who has become a great friend, recently told me that the mind believes what we tell it.
So...you're skeptical, you probably have every right to be. But is your mind telling you that everyone you meet is toxic because you have been treated poorly in the past? Are you on the defensive before you even give someone a chance? And to be clear, I am not just talking about romantic relationships. Did you see someone at work and think she's a bitch because she's pretty and dresses nice? Did you judge that guy because he has great style, perfect teeth and a gym membership that he uses on the reg? Did someone pay you a compliment—but you questioned it, because you think people aren't capable of being genuine?
I 100% believe in red flags—and those should not be ignored. But how many of those red flags actually belong to someone else...and how many belong to you? All of this to say, don't rob yourself of something great because of your assumptions. Don't freak out and lose your cool on someone who may just be trying to make a friend, or communicate their insecurities with you. Don't reject someone or freak out because you are wrapped up in your own triggers and fears.
Don't assume. Take your time...give people a chance to show you who they are...and then believe them when they do.
XO,
C
Only The Lonely
The pandemic forced me to embrace something I have never wanted to face. Loneliness.
I am sure I am not "alone" in this.
Over the years, I have found ways to avoid feeling lonely. But during this season, I have spent more time alone than ever before. I have discovered that sitting in the loneliness and actually feeling it; isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. I can see now that distracting myself from loneliness in the past was even more disappointing than just allowing myself to feel it.
Looking back, if I would have just given myself time to be lonely, I could have prevented many frustrations and a number of mistakes. I would have seen that the feelings of loneliness are temporary—and honestly, not so bad after all. I didn't give myself credit. I didn't think I could do it, I didn't think I should have to.
I am glad that the pandemic forced me to confront my fear of loneliness. It made me realize that I have allowed people to enter my life way too quickly...and the majority of those people did not have my best interests at heart. I have also learned more about who I am as an individual. I have discovered so many things that I enjoy doing all by myself...and for that, I am truly grateful.
There is a sense of peace that comes from learning to enjoy your own company. I have also learned to be much more aware—and very choosy of the people that I do allow in my life.
Being alone is something that I actually look forward to now...instead of dreading. This year hasn't been the best year for many, but I am truly grateful for the peace that I have felt during this season. When we are open to it, the lessons keep coming—and I promise you, joy always follows.
XO,
C
Fanta"sea"
fan·ta·sy
1: the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need, an object of fantasy also : a mental image or a series of mental images (such as a daydream) so created.
Daydreamers unite! First, let me say that fantasies can be a good thing. But they can also be a very bad thing if we don't have a large dose of reality weaved in. The first thing to accept about a fantasy is that it isn't real. The majority of what we have read about in books; or swooned over in movies are fabricated lies that shape us to believe we can make these fantasies our reality. But we can't.
Accepting reality has been challenging for me on many occasions. Not just with relationships—but in other areas of life as well. A very dear friend of mine has been telling me for years that once we accept reality and learn to live with gratitude and zero expectations, that is when contentment comes. She was right...she usually is. ;)
Reality is hard, it's messy at times—and there are set backs along the way to contentment. But I promise if you look for it, you can find something good in every day. The truth is; even those that seem to be living the fantasy life you wish you had...are navigating their own share of struggles as well.
At the beach this summer, I was thinking back to how some of my fantasies have led me down paths that were ultimately destructive. I was putting pressure on myself and others to try and find contentment. As I was watched the waves roll in and go back out; I noticed how they were washing away all of the footprints in the sand, creating clear path. It hit me, that just like the sand on the beach, no matter what has caused a disruption in our lives can ultimately be washed away; leaving a smooth path for us to walk on. Acceptance of reality, forgiveness—and forgiving ourselves, can clear a path that is much easier to move forward on.
What fantasy is keeping you from enjoying your reality?
XO,
C
The Gaslight District
gas·light
manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
One of Oxford Dictionary's most popular words of 2018: gaslighting. Psychologists use the term “gaslighting” to refer to a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.
I have come into contact with many skilled gaslighters over the past few years. I didn't realize what was happening—and at times I questioned myself and felt bad about things I never should have. This type of treatment is extremely abusive. I will say that I don't think that all of the gaslighters I have come in contact with set out to be malicious. I think that the majority of them were narcissistic. Some of them were clearly narcissists in denial.
By trivializing your thoughts and feelings, a gaslighter is able to gain power over you. They make statements like, "calm down," "you're overreacting," or "you are reading too much into that." All of these statements minimize how you are feeling or what you are thinking and communicate that you are wrong. Gaslighters never acknowledge your thoughts, your feelings, or your beliefs, which make you begin to question those beliefs yourself. You never feel validated or understood, which can be extremely difficult to cope with.
It has been for me.
From what I have read, most gaslighters have an authoritarian personality. They admit to no faults because they see themselves as right and others as wrong. The gaslighter makes everything about their own needs and desires. They frame their actions as being helpful to their victims, but these people evolve around building their ego.
Taking time to look into what gaslighting is has turned my internal "light bulb" on full blast.
Something else to pay attention to is that gaslighting can happen outside of friendships or romantic relationships. It can even happen at work. No matter the situation, it's important to surround yourself with people that really love you. These people will validate the truth. The people with your best interests at heart will remind you of your strengths and your gifts—and this will protect you from losing your sanity when facing a gaslighter.
If you ever find yourself in the gaslight district...the quicker you can identify what is happening and the more help you have extinguishing the flame—the less damage you will have to repair in the end.
XO,
C
The Day The iPhone Died
Bye, bye Miss American Pie. Why did this song pop into my head the day my iphone died?
Because..."Apple" pie, of course. ;)
I am horribly embarrassed by my rush to the AT&T store—to buy the new iPhone that I was waiting to purchase until my available upgrade date arrived. But at that moment, I was willing to dive the distance and pay whatever the price, to replace what felt like an amputated limb.
The store was closing at 7PM and I arrived at 6:15PM to find a note on the door. Due to social distancing, there was a one customer per one associate order. As I peered through the glass doors; it was clear the transaction taking place was going to take much longer than the 45 minutes I would have to wait. Full disclosure: I considered it...and waited 20 minutes.
Then it hit me, the insanity of it all. I have two other people living in my home with working iPhones and I am freaking out, thinking I can't live a night without mine? Talk about unhealthy attachments...I am attached to an iPhone.
Sobering.
There are so many other things that I can pay attention to that are living and breathing right in front of me! Like my son swimming in the pool yelling, "mom watch this," every 2 minutes. I had nothing to look up from...so I was watching. Not only was I watching, but he had my undivided attention. The, "mom watch," stopped. I was seeing him.
Those texts and emails could wait until he was ready to come in—and I could check them on my MacBook later. I didn't need to post a picture of him swimming on my Instagram story to prove it happened, I was there with him in that moment. That memory in my mind of how happy he was that I was just sitting there watching him with no distractions was enough. It was enough for him—and it was more than enough motivation for me...to check myself.
So, I am thankful for the day my iPhone died...and I think it may need to die much more often.
XO,
C
Hold Back? Or Hold Off?
Guard your heart.
The number one piece of advice I hear every time I consider entertaining a new relationship. Yet here I sit, 44 years old and I still haven’t mastered this practice. I dive right in, I bare my soul—including what I have learned from past mistakes, I hold nothing back.
I am an over communicator, sparing no detail…to a fault. I suppose the reasoning behind it may be that if someone can’t accept my past and show me the grace I would show them for theirs; they aren’t the one for me. But, maybe not—there is also a good chance that some stories are probably best left in the past and untold.
How much of ourselves do we need to expose to feel truly accepted? By the way—is there an instruction manual for this stuff? I mean if the truth doesn’t come out in the beginning it will most likely rear it’s ugly head later down the road, right?
So what is worse? Holding back or holding off?
Well, there has to be discernment between what we feel we should share and what we need to share. I have learned this the hard way, over and over again. My need to share has caused me to neglect people’s feelings and how and when they may best receive what I am trying to share...and why I need to share it. So once again, I point the finger inward.
I am going to take some time to evaluate why I feel the need to share the things I do, my delivery of what I am sharing...and what my motives are for sharing it. I am thinking through all types of scenarios right now. Is it my attempt at sabotage to protect myself? Do I have something I am trying to prove? I am still very fresh in the process of working through this, but the one thing I do know is I will do things differently in the future.
I think that my desire for brutal honesty has trickled over into my life like a bad habit. I was in a situation where I had to hear someone I love share their deepest secrets, because we were told it would bring “healing.” It did not. It brought nothing but painful memories that still resurface, and quite possibly, that full disclosure session may be responsible for my own verbal unloading on the people that I care about.
So hold back or hold off? The answer: Both. Hold back until you give someone time. Hold back until you know without a doubt that the person is ready to receive what you have to say.
Hold off. Hold off on things that might be hurtful to others if they were never involved in the first place. Your story can still be yours without telling it to everyone you meet. Your story is shaping you, but not everyone will react to your story the same way.
I believe in grace, and I also believe in people that are willing to give it freely. But I have also learned that some things are just better left unsaid.
XO,
C
Quaren"seeing"
Social distancing has provided an opportunity for the world to slow down, something that not many of us take time to do. We have so many options to entertain us at any given moment. Due to social distancing—traveling and going out to eat...or simply going to the movies, a sporting event, a comedy club or a karaoke bar are no longer options.
Families are together and parents are working from home. All while becoming teachers of multiple grades for multiple children. Togetherness has a whole new meaning when every day looks the same, with the same people on set. ;)
I have been seeing so much over the past few weeks. There were things that fell into place for me just two weeks before COVID-19 reared it's ugly head. Had I not made decisions at that time, I would be in a completely different situation right now.
God has a plan for us.
The other morning I was running. This song came on and I remember wanting to raise my hands right there in the street—in worship and surrender. Fear of looking like a loon kept me from doing so, but I remember the warmth I felt in my chest as I thought of all of the ways that He has protected me. Next time, I am going to raise my hands. ;)
This time of social distancing has given me time to evaluate my life situation and all that I have to be grateful for. The things that I saw as a challenge—I look at now as a gift. They have helped me heal from past hurts and grow as a person. I have the opportunity to keep a job that I love while working from home, I have extra time to teach my children new things, I have the opportunity to see my girlfriends more now than ever. Even if it's virtual time, it is something that feels so precious to me right now.
There are so many silver linings.
With all of this said, I challenge you to focus on what you are quaren"seeing" during this gift of time; disguised as a crisis. Pay attention to what you are seeing—and let it motivate you. Let's agree to not go back to the way things were.
XO,
C
ISO
ISO is an acronym often used on the internet by people who are searching for something specific that they'd like to find or purchase.
The reality is that people are always searching, even if they aren't ready to buy.
My search has remained the same over the past few years. The search for my happily ever after. The search for "whatever" it is that is going to happen in my life to trump all of the bad that I have had to trudge through.
People love to tell what you deserve after a break-up, divorce or other horrible life event. They will inform you of how wonderful they think you are and how you should not settle for anything less than what you "deserve." It's something people say because they are trying to help, but it isn't necessarily the best advice to adhere to.
You want that bag? Buy it, you deserve it. Your spouse doesn't make you happy? Leave him or her...you deserve to be happy. If we aren't careful, we can become completely entitled—living our lives searching for what we "deserve."
Instead of searching for what I deserve, I am choosing to be happy with what I have. It has made me feel much more fulfilled than sitting around waiting for what I deserve. The reality is that bad things happen to good people daily. There is no explanation for it and it's not always fair.
I will tell you from experience that facing that reality and accepting it is way more freeing than feeling ripped off because we think we "deserve" better. During this coronavirus crisis my eyes have been opened to how God has protected me from so many things. Even when I was mad at him. I am grateful now more than ever.
What are you in search of?
XO,
C
Crowd Pleaser
Hi, my name is Cathy...and I am a people pleaser.
This is something that I have struggled with for years. My need to please others has many times outweighed my ability to stand up for myself. I have trouble saying no—and in some cases I even apologize or accept fault when I am not to blame.
Oddly, people pleasing is not a selfless act like it may seem. It is actually a way of trying to control someone's response or behavior. Thinking about it like this has made me realize that it's time to shift my focal point from the outside world in. It has also forced me to accept something that I never wanted to:
In some cases, no matter what I do, or how I try to please...I will come in contact with people that just don't like me.
These situations don't happen often, so it is very hard for me to stomach when they do. In complete transparency, it KILLS me when someone doesn't like me. The minute I get a negative vibe; I begin doing everything in my power to fix it. I lose sleep wondering what I did wrong, why I am being judged or misunderstood and what I can do to make it better. But the truth is, if someone doesn't like me, it has 100% to do with them...not me. I may never know the reasons why someone chose to dismiss me—and I have no control over that, no matter how hard I try to please.
A close friend of mine shared this with me: One of the happiest moments ever is when you feel the courage to let go of what you can't change.
Some people are quick to dismiss others because they have different interests or skill sets. They don't bother to step outside of their comfort zone and really get to know someone or they'd find qualities that way outshine their assumptions or the interests that aren't shared.
I am sure that I am not the only victim of this treatment. It makes me so sad, because people are missing out on something great when they pass up an opportunity to really know someone. Although no one is perfect, I do believe that most of us have really good intentions.
Moving forward, I am using what I have learned from these situations as incentive for my own response towards others. I'm striving to fully understand people and assume the best of them until they prove me wrong. I desire authentic relationships; and I believe in putting in the time to foster them. Especially with people that may not be just like me. Some of my deepest relationships are with people that have completely different talents and interests than I do. I love learning from them because they take the time to share their world with me...and make effort to find value in mine.
So I challenge you, before you misjudge someone—make some real effort to know them. Don't be quick to dismiss based on assumptions that could be totally false. And for you people pleasers like me, focus on the relationships that matter and move past those who refuse to see you for your true self. As Stuart Smalley said on SNL, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
I am enough—and so are YOU!
XO,
C
Influence(r)
I was talking with a friend the other night, and I mentioned not knowing what to write about next on the blog. I have been here before—waiting to write until I feel I have something worth sharing. She told me she knew it would come to me...and whatever I wrote would help people because I was an influencer.
I am in marketing, so of course the definition of influencer that first comes to mind is some fancy blogger wearing designer clothes at an amazing place tagging every item available for purchase.
I don't have 10,000 followers but it got me thinking—if I have influence, what type of influencer do I want to be?
Influence 1: the power or capacity of causing an effect in indirect or intangible ways : SWAY
People are literally obsessed with becoming famous on social media. Instagram, YouTube, TikTok. Many are even buying followers. It seems exhausting to me. The need for approval is so overwhelming that Instagram has been testing out what it would look like to remove the "like" feature. They claim this will help reduce the associated impacts on mental health and societal pressure. Wow.
I think what people are missing is that they don't need 10,000 followers to have influence.
We can influence at home. I am influencing my children every day in my own home. They are watching how I live my life and how I respond to circumstances. This audience is more important to me than any other. I have my share of parenting fails, but acknowledging the influence I have at home helps me to respond better—and to admit to them when I have made a mistake. This opens doors to conversations that both my children and I can learn from.
We can influence at work. We can have a positive attitude even when things may not be going our way. We can offer to help those around us that could learn from a skill-set that we possess. We can reach out to people in different departments. YES, it is possible to make friends with people that have different talents and interests. We can provide internal customer service the SAME way that we provide it externally. When you adopt this attitude, the people around you will notice something is different about you and be influenced to be more collaborative and positive as well.
We can influence in public. You'd be surprised how much your interactions with people in public can influence. We are all so "busy" that it's easy to miss an opportunity to just be kind. Ask your waiter or waitress how their day is going; pay them a compliment. This random act of kindness can can influence the way they react to you and respond to others. If someone is rude be kind back. Your response will most likely make them question their behavior and influence how they treat you and the next person they come in contact with. Pay it forward.
I realize these are all very simplistic pieces of advice. But in this world filled with unrealistic expectations and high demands, our response is everything. I am an influencer...and you are too.
XO,
C
Love Bomb 💣
As an update, Laura is now Dr. Laura Tomko. I am so proud, this blog post is dedicated to her!
Who wouldn't want to be loved bombed? It sounds so great, right? It feels even better at the time. But this type of bomb will most definitely go up in flames.
I didn't know it until recently, but I am a love bomb survivor. Therefore, I am happy to share this with those of you who may not be familiar with the tactic. I sure wish someone would have warned me.
I reentered the dating world at 40 and I am still encountering love bombers. These guys (or girls) tell you everything you want to hear. They pour on the charm to make you feel adored. It's all smoke and mirrors...trust me on this. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. The steady influx of compliments and attention are transactional, because love bombers are always looking for what they can get out of a situation. From my experience, all love bombers are not the same. But a few telltale signs of a love-bombing partner are extravagant gifts, obsessive flattery and constant complimentary texting or other outreach.
What is it that makes us love the bomb? Why do we let words impress us with absolutely no backup? Are we so desperate for affirmation that we ignore that this constant attention isn't even close to being natural?
Some love bombers are more subtle than others. They are charming and kind without being over the top. This subtle bomber is the one that I have fallen for in the past. It took me 40 years, but I know better now. Then you have the love bombers like one of my friends dated. This guy would leave the sappiest voicemail messages professing his love—and be out on a date with another girl the next night. Another friend of mine had a guy tell her she was the love of his life after the second date!
For me, identifying love bombing behaviors and breaking my pattern of falling for them was key. I want so badly to believe that people are genuine. But after much research and experience, I know now that the love bomb has no staying power. It's a manipulation tactic that will ultimately explode leaving you feeling empty and confused. It's so crazy that dating in my later life is teaching me everything I did wrong—and fell for early on.
How do you know if it's love bombing? Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself. When you are talking, is your significant other truly listening? Do they value your perspective or talk over you? Do they try to change your mind or cause you to question yourself? To know for sure, instead of just listening to the words they say, watch their behavior. Genuine love grows slowly. It’s only by moving slowly that a true intimate relationship can develop.
I asked my friend Laura to chime in and this is what she had to say:
According to a study at the Pew Research Center, love only goes so far, and we know it. Most Americans no longer believe in the concept of sugary sweet “love” and demand more from their partners than butterflies and kisses. Seven out of ten people surveyed (69%) do not agree with the notion of a soul mate or the pursuit of one true love; that means only 28% do. Among those who do subscribe to this archaic and ridiculous notion, men (31%) are slightly more likely to do so than women (26%). Maybe that’s a surprise to some of our readers. It’s not to me.
Young and old, married and unmarried, we are all equally skeptical.
Here’s the thing: love bombs are only dangerous if you don’t know them when you see them. If you recognize them for what they are, they become a compliment and nothing more; a sweet step in the dance of courtship….or on-the way-to-the-bedroom-ship. Either way, learning to understand that everyone loves the feeling of being in love but is realistic about what that means will save you from the smokey room Cathy pointed out to you (unless you’re looking for a sexy firefighter to come and save you—in that case, I’m in!).
We have all lost a limb or two by stepping on the love bomb. That’s ok. Genuine love does grow slowly. Allow yourself to be kind, genuine, and giving. If you get a love bomb whispered into your ear, enjoy the warm fuzzy and roll your eyes on the inside. And be sure to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times; it’s rough out there!
Laura Pomykalski Tomko is a high school English teacher and doctoral candidate. She enjoys wine, Dave Matthews Band, and shopping trips to Publix, in that order. She is a single forty-something living in Orlando and navigating relationships while raising a family, working full time, and writing a dissertation.
The Wilderness
Dating in my 40s = my time in the wilderness.
It's been everything you know to be wild...and then some.
From Good Morning Gary to Creepy Craig, Mind Reading Mike, Deputy Downer and Peter Pan. I have met an entire cast of characters in the wilderness. They each have their own story, to be revealed one day in my book. The only reason I haven't finished said book is because I am currently living it. I can't wait to see what happens next. ;)
I wouldn't call this time in the wilderness a search for love, as I am in no rush. But...I can't count the times I am asked if I am dating anyone, if I have met someone special or if I am on the hunt for a partner. LOL! These inquiring minds are obviously in much more of a rush than I am. I think it's because many people view being single at my age as sad or lonely or just not normal.
What is normal again?
Why do the majority of people only see a couple as complete?
I have talked to other single girls who are very familiar with the dating cycle. Date, meet people that aren't the right fit, get frustrated, take a break...repeat. It's fun, disappointing and exhausting all at the same time. But it's a ride that I decided to get off of for a hot minute to avoid needing a barf bag. With that said, I am currently in the "take a break" part of the cycle again.
In case you wondered, I think it's perfectly normal to be single. I would never bash marriage because I haven't found my happily ever after romance, marriage done right is a very beautiful thing. But being single can be just as beautiful. It gives you time to spend with the person that you may forget about when you are in a relationship...yourself!
On my break I look back on my time in the wilderness and I can admit to the times when I took, but I see even more times when I gave way more than I ever received back. Perspective is good, it creates balance for when the right person does come along. After all, don't we learn best from our mistakes? I live to tell over here.
Being in a place where you can be alone and still find joy is one of life's greatest gifts. It's a time to invest in yourself and discover your full potential. You realize that you are a complete person all by YOURSELF.
Learn new things, visit new places, meet new people, eat ice cream in bed and do the things that you have been putting off. Like writing.
That last one was specifically for me, and it's so good to be back!
XO,
C
Running
July 4, 1981. I was running the Freedom Run Race in Bartow, FL. You can tell by the look on my face I was running for joy. I have done a lot of running over the years, for different reasons. But running for joy is by far my favorite.
Running has always kept me going. But there were times that I kept running when I should have stopped to face what I was running from. It's been four years since my world turned upside down. Divorce. Broken family. Cancer. I am still coming out of the pit. I am thankful for the many sweet moments along the way—but if I am being honest, most days I am still trying to accept my new life. Each day brings new challenges that I am learning to face with the help of my friends and family instead of my spouse.
I spent years seeking redemption for the person that I loved the most. I was running from the truth. That truth was that I wanted healing for my ex-husband, he didn't. I was the one making counseling appointments and doing the research to find help. I thought if I could help him find healing, I could save my own happiness too. This was a total lie and kept me in bondage for years. I was more worried about his redemption than my own.
I know now that my hope isn't tied to whether or not a circumstance or another person changes.
My life has not turned out how I planned...but it is still very good. I have hope.
Running from acceptance and harboring bitterness takes us to a place where we don't notice the gifts along the route...and the medal waiting for us at the finish line.
I have learned that the hard way. When we stop to see the good instead of focusing on what we have lost, we open ourselves up to experience true joy. It might not be exactly what we planned...but the new plan has much more promise.
I am in a season now where I am running toward the future. I am training for another half marathon. I am also running toward radical acceptance of my circumstances. It is so freeing. I have my family and many great friends pouring into my life. They never stop cheering me on. It hasn't been easy—and I am sure there will still be bumps along the way, but I am grateful for their honesty and endless support. For me, the medal waiting at the finish line is redemption. It's not the redemption that I prayed for, for so many years...but it is all MINE!
XO,
C
Hebrews 12:1
“Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”
Ghosted
Ghosting:
When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice beforehand. You'll mostly see them avoiding their date or friend's phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.
Below are some recent tweets about ghosting. Interestingly enough, you can even be ghosted at work! NOTE! I have copied and pasted, so to those of you that are silently judging my grammar—no need. ;)
@flyaway22_free Remember if they #ghosted you they are probably not worth your time #TEARtalk
@harmoniousann Some people call me picky. It just takes a lot for me to connect with someone. But then...he happened. So loving and patient and then he was gone. Just gone. I was #ghosted. And it took a lot for me to get over it.
@madlaxer12283 That moment when you let someone know you care for them, and want to move forward, just to end up not hearing from them for a week, not even a hello...gee thanks #ghosted
@DROCK9998 I swear most girls should change their profile picture to the Snapchat ghost #Ghosted
@adamsill_86 When a snapchat streak goes from😊💛😊 to nothing is actually a little bit heartbreaking #Ghosted
@B_squared78 You always see people post how they #ghosted, got smart, or got cute, or tricked someone who was interested in them into leaving them alone. You never see a post where they were simply honest and communicated their lack of interest...#tryit #foodforthought
@ndombologique This dude who #ghosted me just called to apologize for ghosting me. The end times are near. (This one is a personal favorite)
@ajilon have you ever been #ghosted by an employee? Now, the shoe is on the other foot: What is Employee Ghosting and How To Recover From Job Abandonment
@Nangel85 Sometimes i think about the man Who Ghosted me, i hope Someone ghosted you or haunts you #ghosted
This recent article in Elle Magazine is about a girl who got hit by a bike on a first date and STILL got ghosted! What? Super interesting read.
Lately, I haven't really been dating...I have just been researching dating. Recently one of my single girlfriends met a fun (and seemingly nice guy) while out at dinner. They exchanged numbers, and they were in contact regularly for about a week. He even took the time to call her, which these days...is super rare. They got together one evening for wine and had a great time together. Then an entire week went by...and no response to her follow-up text to him the after their date. Ghosted.
Another friend of mine had been out on several dates with a girl, they were enjoying each other's company and were making plans. When it came time to go out again, she came up with every excuse not to follow through with the plans they had made. Mission aborted, out of nowhere. Ghosted.
My friend R was out at dinner one night and made fast friends with a very dapper gentleman in the cocktail lounge. They sat and talked about life, enjoyed the live music...and after an hour or so he invited her to go with him to another bar. She declined as she was enjoying time with her friends. He asked for her number and she gave it to him. Within 15 minutes he was texting asking if she was on her way. She entered his phone number into the Stud or Dud app...handy tool ladies. She found his name, and then Facebook account. SURPRISE! He was MARRIED, with a new baby. WHAT is wrong with people? My friend text him back and said, I don't think it is in the best interest of your wife (by name) and new baby that I meet you. His response...crickets. Ghosted. I am pretty sure he didn't know about Stud or Dud, and most likely thinks my friend was a spy. But I guarantee he didn't sleep very well that night. LOL!
During a conversation with one of my girlfriends she stated, "I just can't with ghosting. It is devastating, so I just pretend they lost a limb in an accident and couldn't text." This was extreme, but made me laugh nonetheless. "Ghosting is proof that manhood is dead," she said. The same friend met a very sweet guy, dated for a few weeks and ghosted her a week later. She text him to ask about picking up some things that she left at his house and radio silence. What is happening?
My question: WHY do people need to hide behind a ghost?
The following information came from two 17-year-olds, so ghosting is happening at every age. According to my young sources, the ghoster is either scared, can't handle their emotions...or they are just plain dumb. The last reason they listed made me laugh out loud.
So with all this said, I have a tip for you all, and it's 100% free. If you don't want to talk to someone anymore...just say so. If you aren't interested and don't want to go out again, simply decline. You don't need to give an elaborate explanation or even apologize. But at least have the decency to be an adult and communicate. Being let down is MUCH better than being ghosted and left wondering why. A simple form of communication (and we have many these days) eliminates the need for the ghosted party to wonder what they did wrong. It prevents them running 1000 different scenarios through their heads, dating is tough enough people! Why add a layer of BS to it that is totally avoidable? So to all of you ghosting out there, just STOP.
On dating and ghosting. One day I will probably want to date again, but when that time comes I will not except anything but the best of people. For those of you already dating, you should expect the same. After my research, for those of you that have been ghosted, please keep in mind that it's not about you. The truth is you are probably just dealing with a jerk. Hold your head high and move on. Anyone that ghosts isn't worth your time wondering where they went.
It doesn't make it any easier, but if they vanish, consider it a blessing. Imagine how they would handle normal relationship woes if they can't even handle the fun part? YIKES!
On work ghosting. There is no excuse. If you are ghosting because you want to quit your job...how do you expect to build references for your next job? If you are ghosting because you just don't feel a sense of urgency to respond, how do you expect to build allies at work? You never know who may vote you the next employee of the month. ;) Sure, we are all busy. We all see emails, texts or IMs and "forget" to respond. But I say, get it together people! We live in a digital world, glued to our devices. NO ONE is just too busy to respond. So, make it easier on yourselves and others. Want to avoid someone darkening the door of your office, or hovering over your cubicle? Respond immediately. Even if you don't have the full answer, let the person know you heard them...and that you will be back in touch soon. That is SO much better than ghosting. And trust me, if you ghost at work—those ghosted WILL be back and it will become a reoccurring visit. You really don't want that, do you? ;)
I realized after writing this, that I myself have ghosted all of you for months. Let me explain. I finally made it to Paris, I finally saw the Eiffel Tour sparkle at night, I met my nieces and nephew, I drank champagne and laughed with my sister in her home in Tuffe...and I finally have a job that makes me look forward to Monday. As for the dating research, well that has taken a large chunk of my time as well—so you can bet there will be more stories to come. Have a ghosting story to share? By all means, comment away, I am listening!
XO,
C