Grief
Grief
b : annoying or playful criticism
c : an unfortunate outcome : DISASTER
According to the first article that popped up when I googled the word…grief is the experience of coping with loss. Most of us think of grief as happening in the painful period following the death of a loved one. But grief can accompany any event that disrupts or challenges our sense of normalcy or ourselves. This includes the loss of connections that define us. For me, it now includes the loss of my breasts and I am sure many of you can relate.
When I underwent my mastectomy in 20215, I never thought about grief as it related to the loss of my breasts. I was going through a divorce at the time, from someone who mistreated me horribly over the years. I was betrayed over and over again while I poured out forgiveness—and did my best to save my children from experiencing the pain of a split home. It was devastating. To be completely transparent with you, the only reason I fought so hard during my battle with cancer was for my children. I am embarrased that I got that low, but I was so torn down and defeated by my previous husband’s mistreatment that losing my breasts seemed like nothing. Until now.
Fast forward to 2023 and my implants started giving me trouble. The tightness became so bad in my chest it felt hard to breathe at times. I went to visit my surgeon and she told me it was time to replace the implants, the scarring was horrible and one had been recalled. I showed up at the hospital on January 5, 2024, excited and ready to feel better physically. I wasn’t prepared for the PTSD that came over me when I changed out of my clothes into that heated hospital gown.
It all came rushing back. Every painful memory of the past that I had buried to fight cancer. I wrote about the abuse inflicted on me by my previous husband through my blog, but I never actually grieved. I was angry and devastated. I also finally grasped the realization of what was about to happen to me again physically—and I had to face the fact that I would (once again) have to embrace another change to my body. I also realized I needed to have some difficult conversations with people from my past who found their way into my abuser’s path of destruction alongside me. My fight through active treatment is over, but my fight to accept my new body, what happened to me and grieve my past abuse properly has just begun.
I’ll be the first to admit that until this last surgery, I have coped in unhealthy ways since my diagnosis, burying things just seemed easier at the time. Some days, I just wanted to be numb. BUT, I am here to tell you, it will sneak up on you if you don’t take time to grieve your losses properly. I can understand why people gravitate towards unhealthy coping mechanisms…and I am not proud to tell you that I did. Alcohol, shopping and travel that I couldn’t afford became my escapes when I needed them, instead of focusing on my health and wellbeing. I drove my friends (who never stopped loving me) crazy with my dating life and recklessness.
I am glad to tell you that as much as my recent surgery slapped me with PTSD and postponed grief, it also snapped me into a place where I feel happier than I have ever felt. It’s sounds crazy to be happy and grieving at the same time, but I have found so much joy in helping others—and sharing hope with women like me, who are facing the unimaginable. The night before my surgery, I felt God tell me to “stop”. I don’t know exactly why I heard that, but I knew in my heart He meant for me to stop the unhealthy coping and holding onto bitterness from past hurts. I felt Him telling me that he would replace my need to escape with something I won’t need an escape from…and Boxed by an Angel was born.
Although the happiest I have felt in a long time, I am finally grieving the loss of my breasts and now additional changes to my body. I haven’t healed as well as I had hoped and I may be facing another surgery in a few months. It’s hard to look in the mirror right now, I don’t like what I see. I am doing my best to be grateful, but I vowed to be honest with you all, so I am not holding back. I do want to be sensitive to those who have had much worse reflections to accept, but at the same time, I need to validate my own feelings and grieve my losses properly.
As far as the hurt from my past, it has resurfaced again…right when I am launching something beautiful. Even when expressing the need for time to process and grieve, an abuser won’t listen…they will continue to bully. Some people will never accept responsibility for the trauma they inflicted, they won’t back off…not even long enough to give time for the abused to grieve properly and process their trauma. For some, staying in a place of complete and utter denial is the only way they can cope…and live with themselves.
I am tired of letting someone who doesn’t deserve my tears continue to take me to a dark place. I know God has my situation in the palm of His hands and I will continue to trust in that alone. I am working hard every day to forgive and to pray for the one that has hurt me the most…but I am wounded—and I fall short at times. I am still angry! I haven’t had the time I need to let go of my pain because it’s been one offense after the other since 2003. But this is where grace comes in. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband and protector, Brad. He has been with me every painful step along the way. He has shown me what it feels like to be truly and unconditionally loved by a spouse…and I am so blessed to be his wife.
I know many don’t have the support system I am blessed with…but that is why I am here. I want to be a member of your tribe if you will have me. I am not perfect, but I am doing my best to be honest and share love and hope with those that are struggling through very messy situations like mine. We are in this together!
My grief has a purpose and God has a plan. I will continue to trust He is STILL working all things together for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
XO,
C
