Hey Girl...I See You

Hey single, working mom. I see you. 

To be honest, I didn't see you before. I was too busy living the past decade of my life working part-time which allowed me the privilege to be with my children before and after school, as well as over the summer. I went on all of the field trips, I planned fun parties and playdates...I was the homeroom mom. I had the opportunity to go on great trips and shower my kids with attention. I used to make things, I had time to take pictures of my outfits and post them to my blog.

But now—single, working mom...I want you to know that I see you.

I see you passing your children off to someone else over the summer while you head out on a long commute to work.

I see you planning trips to the grocery store on your lunch break because there is no other time to go.

I see you making every meal possible in a crock pot so that it is ready when you finally walk through the door at 7 p.m. or later.

I see you grieving the loss of your family while you watch others enjoy family time together.

I see you crying in the shower and in the car because that is the only time you can let it out.

I see you adjusting to a new financial situation, making sacrifices and missing the lifestyle that you were accustom to.

I see you missing out on time with your friends because of your new schedule and the massive to-do list you carry daily.

I see you praying for someone to ask if you need help when you are too afraid to bother them by asking for it yourself.

I see you barely able to keep your eyes open after a long day, but staying awake anyway to read a book or watch a movie with your kids.

I see you worrying if you are screwing your kids up with your "extended stay" in survival mode.

I see you blogging at a quiet coffee shop on your break because when else will you have time to do it?

But do you know what else I see? I see you not giving up. I see you taking the time you need to grieve and to process all that you have lost. I see you determined to come out better on the other side of the mess that you didn't choose...but find yourself in. I see you putting one foot in front of the other. I see you doing the best you can to be a good example for your children even though you're far from perfect.

Hey stay-at-home mom. I see you.

After all, I was just like you for a long time. I knew what it was like to stay in my PJs all day and accomplish nothing but a few loads of laundry. The definition of a good day was just simply keeping everyone alive. I remember missing getting dressed for work and longing for adult conversations that didn't revolve around diapers, playtime, Disney Jr. and parenting tips.

I see you sacrificing your time and sanity daily for your kids' benefit.

I see you making adjustments in your budget so that you can afford to stay home.

I see you counting down the minutes until Daddy comes home, so that you can have a minute to yourself..or at least time to finish dinner.

I see you packing enough bags to go camping for a week, just to head out on a simple trip to the park.

I see you browsing Pinterest for fun ideas to keep the kids busy over the summer (which seems even longer when you are a stay-at-home mom).

I see you getting one child over an illness just in time to pass it on to your other one...and ultimately catching whatever it was yourself.

I see you missing out on time with your grown-up friends...and feeling like a camp counselor instead.

But do you know what else I see? I see an incredibly strong woman taking advantage of the opportunity that many moms wished they had. The opportunity to spend as much time as possible with her children. I see you making the choice to invest in your children's lives while you have the amazing privilege to do so.

Hey working mom. I see you.

I see you worrying if you made the right decision choosing career over time with your kids.

I see you being forced to make the choice to work due to financial reasons.

I see you rushing to pick up the kids before the clock hits "late fee" time.

I see you missing out on time with your husband because you are so exhausted from working all day long.

But do you know what else I see? I see a woman investing in herself. A woman who chose to invest in her family's future by bettering herself in her career. I see you devoted to being the best you can be at your job and making the office a better place for others to be. I see your coworkers respecting you for what you bring to the table; at work and at home.

Hey single girl. I see you.

I see you waiting on the right one to come along to fall in love and share your life with.

I see you longing for a baby of your own, while you watch your friends post beautiful pictures of their families on social media.

I see you trying to make all of the right friends and avoid the wrong ones. ;)

I see you struggling on one income and worrying about your future.

But do you know what else I see? I see a woman with her whole life ahead of her. I see a woman who is being patient enough to wait on God's timing and not rely on her own. I see a woman who loves herself, so that she will be ready to better love someone else. I see a woman who can make goals and work toward them while she waits on the desires of her heart.

So Hey girl...I see you. No matter who you are, what stage of your life you are in...and how you see yourself.

So, let's start seeing each other.

XO,

C

Life is a Photobomb

pho·to·bomb

informal

verb

1. Spoil a photograph of (a person or thing) by unexpectedly appearing in the camera's field of view as the picture is taken, typically as a prank or practical joke. 

I have decided that life is a photobomb. Although, I propose we insert the word "enhance" instead of "spoil" in the definition. It changes perspective—and speaks to the reality that I have been living through. It's been quite a while since my last post, but I finally have something to say at 11:55 p.m. on a Friday night so I'm gonna roll with it.

Navigating the hardships in my life over the past two years has been much more tolerable because of new friends, opportunities and adventures that have appeared unexpectedly.

I've been photobombed...and I like it. 

I have some major decisions to make soon. They have been keeping me up at night, but yet I remain thankful. God is giving me the strength to keep going. I don't know what is coming my way next, but there hasn't been a day that I haven't felt love in some form...from someone, unexpectedly. It comes in words of advice, encouragement, company and even in sweet treats. The minute I start to feel sorry for myself, I am reminded of just how loved I am. You can't make this stuff up. It keeps me going and focused on the promise that good things are to come if I continue to trust God's promise for my life.

Case in point, the photo above. My energetic K. He is the definition of a photobomb in my life. 100%!  Unexpected, but total enhancement. I will never be a perfect mother. My children have witnessed me go through the unimaginable. Physical pain, grief and they have taken front row seats at my pity parties. Even still, they continue to show me grace every day. Praying for me, loving me and never giving up on me. What more could I ask for?

Due to the fact that I need to sleep, I am going to cut this short. I leave you with a challenge.

The next time you are photobombed...embrace the enhancement. Don't spoil it.

XO,

C

Three Rules

I love this quote. So simple, yet so powerful.

Do right. 

I understand that doing the right thing isn't always easy. But I also know that you will never go wrong doing the right thing. I felt the pain of someone not doing the right thing recently. This time, the right thing was so easy to do. But the person that I trusted chose to go about something in a way that I still can't wrap my brain around. A five minute conversation in person with me would have made the news I had to hear so much easier to digest. Instead I felt blindsided, betrayed and as if I didn't matter. I can't imagine putting someone in that situation, and I never will. Some people we trust will disappoint us, they won't choose to do the right thing. But even when they don't, we still can...and I will. People matter—do right.

Do the best you can.  

I have obviously been going through a very rough season. There are days that I have to force myself out of bed. But in those times I pray, give myself a pep talk and remind myself that I am doing my best. Patience is hardest when I can't see the reward. I feel like every time I get going, something knocks the wind out of my sails again. I suppose this is where faith steps in. Continually reminding myself to trust that God has something amazing in store for me, but it's just not time yet. I remind myself that even though some people will mistreat me, He has placed wonderful people in my life that do love me, care for me and have my back always. I want to be that that person for others in return—I will do my best.

Always show people you care.

This last rule is the one that I am grappling with the most. It's the rule that gets lost so many times because people don't take time to pause and have true empathy for others. They may read an article about it, share it and expect their coworkers, family or friends to implement it...but they don't put it into action themselves. So when they don't it is natural to feel confused, hurt and betrayed. Many times we won't get the same courtesy back that we are willing to give—and it's not fair. But I have a choice to make. I have every right to be angry and upset...it hurts, bad. But I will choose to hold my head high and care about the very people that have let me down. Who knows, maybe my example will inspire them to show people they care in the future? Always show people you care!

Better days ahead.

XO,

C

This Too Shall Pass

I don't even know how long it has been since my last post. I am working full time at Publix now and the days are just flying by. I always try to be inspirational when I post, but tonight I am going to be real.

I have been struggling the past few days when I should be celebrating. I have been looking forward to the end of my treatment since it began in August of 2015. But after my last infusion on this past Saturday, severe anxiety kicked in.

I have been fighting for so long now. Infusions every three weeks for over a year, 5 surgeries and more doctors' appointments than I can count. My port will be removed on Thursday. Breast cancer is over.

Why am I scared?

My  fear is that if I am not fighting it, it will come back. In talking with other survivors today, I am finding out that these feelings of mine are quite normal. I was fortunate enough to have a targeted drug, the cancer is not coming back. But ending my treatments and having my port removed means the fight is over...and that terrifies me just about as much as my initial diagnosis.

This is where faith steps in. The fight may be over, but now my fight is to declare every day that this chapter in my life is OVER. I have been given the gift of celebrating another Christmas...and another birthday. I have healthy children to be healthy with! 2017 won't be filled with doctors' appointments and treatments. Life will return to normal. Although, I am claiming that it will return to BETTER than normal, despite how I am feeling right now.

I can't thank you all enough, for following my journey and cheering me on the entire way. It has been the hardest thing I have ever faced—and your prayers and support are what have brought me through this. I want to share this song with you all, as it spoke to my heart tonight. God is good. He has been so good to me. Every bit of strength I had, came from Him. Thank you for loving me and letting me share my heart...and my journey.

XO,

C

Alone on Cathy Island (Weekend Recap)

"Sometimes it takes learning how to be perfectly lonely, just so God can show you what being perfectly loved feels like. Never doubt the season He has your life in."

-Unknown

Alone. I haven't spent a weekend alone in well...forever. I either make plans to keep myself busy, or I have my children to keep me busy. I decided I would try a little experiment this weekend to see if I could not only survive the weekend alone, but really enjoy it. Amazingly enough I did both!

I am used to doing life with someone, so adjusting to the change of no partner has been really hard on me. In my loneliness, I have sought attention from the wrong people...and I have felt the consequences of that. I believe that when we struggle, it is because God is working on us. I feel there was something more that He wanted me to learn. That is what prompted me to realize that I need to REALLY love myself, by myself. I need to accept how amazing He thinks I am, no matter what trials or rejections come my way in this fallen world. I learned this weekend that I can be alone...but I am never alone.  Here's a little recap of my fun. I have a feeling I will be enjoying many more weekends just like this, and LOVING it!

I don't always ride 12 miles but when I do it's in the brightest Lululemon outfit I own! #safetyfirst

Patriot Coffee and cut-offs! :)

An hour massage, delightful!

I even dined solo. The BEST Pad Thai in Lakeland!

Watched the sunset last night on my back patio! <3

Baker's dozen and homemade cream cheese from Uncle Nick's this morning!

Now it's time to turn on some music, and sit in the sun by my pool. How was your weekend?

XO,

C

The Middle

Mid.dle

adjective

At an equal distance from the extremities of something; central. 

After a year and a half, I am finally sleeping in the middle of my bed. Reason number one for the delay, it's easier to just make up one side in the morning. Reason number two, I was used to someone sharing the other side for 16 years. Adjustments to single life are happening little by little. But I must admit that swiping the pillows out of the way, messing up the whole bed—and curling up in the middle feels pretty damn good.

I have admitted a million times that unrealistic expectations are my specialty. But I am learning now that in the middle...I can still have expectations! I am equal distance between unrealistic expectations and no expectations at all—which means there is still hope. Right now I have hope that I can enjoy this time in my life that is so much different than I expected it to be. My family unit may not be what I thought it would be, but I still have my family. I may not be fully healed...but I am in the middle of my healing.

I started thinking about good things that are in the middle of something and here is what I came up with. Most have to do with food, well because...food! Your turn…help me think of more!

-The creme in the middle of an Oreo cookie

-Reaching the halfway mark of a race

-Air in a tire

-Peanut butter and jelly

-A jump rope

-Pie filling

-The Psalms

-Tmesis: Separation of the parts of a compound word by one or more intervening words. Example: Fan-freaking-tastic!

-The gooey cheese inside of a grilled cheese sandwich

-Halftime shows

-A butterfly in a cocoon

-The middle of a good book

-The middle of a group hug

Pain, Purpose and Another (Hopefully Last) Lesson From a People Mover

Thanks Pastor B, for your message that inspired this post years ago. We miss you!

In a recent sermon, my pastor spoke about how God uses pain to shape us in ways that pleasure never could. Anyone who has followed my blog over the past year knows that this has been the most painful year of my life so far. I have tried to stay positive and be the "inspiration" everyone thinks I am. But I continue to make mistakes along this journey. I surrender to God's will only to be distracted by the world. From staying too busy, to trying to find comfort in relationships with those who I like to call "people movers."

Because I only learn lessons after the 99th time of suffering the consequences...yet again I entered a relationship with a people mover a few months back. This people mover was incapable of a real relationship, and I was in denial. It was fun and it filled a void for a little while, but the same disappointment came when the exit took place.

The hardest part is that I grieve the loss of people movers the same way I would an individual capable of true human emotion. I miss the void they filled even though it's clear they didn't have my best interests at heart. It's really not the people mover's fault, I am to blame. I am the one that has the problem choosing.

So I grieved, again. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, but it's time for me to commit to what I said I would in my first post on people movers . Better boundaries. I have to stop making excuses for people and their problems for fear of loosing them in my life. After all, isn't it better to be lonely for a season and heal completely rather than to continue to have my heart broken? Or even worse, be miserable in an unhealthy relationship? Here is an expert from my original post on people movers back in January. It is screaming at me right now.

"I may see warning signs and try to pump the brakes, but I have a hard time accepting reality and protecting myself from the hurt that’s sure to come."

So as you can see, I have been here before. I'm reminded yet again that I have to sit in that reality and come to terms with what it is I am expecting. Why do I depend on the people in my life for happiness?

God has shown me in the past week that my happiness is in MY control, not in what others do. No one can fill the void that breast cancer and my divorce left. Only God. For as long as I can remember I have held onto people, even toxic people, for fear of being alone. I have accepted behaviors and not held any boundaries believing that if the person just would work on their issues everything would be okay and my happiness would return. This is a lie from Satan himself. Damn him.

My happiness doesn't depend on someone else's behavior or actions. So I am taking back the controls.

It is time for me to love myself. To love myself enough to not except anything but the best, which is ultimately what God has in store for me. I suppose it just took multiple times of making the same mistake for it to click. But good news, it's clicking...and I am moving forward. No hard feelings, just another lesson learned the hard way. As far as the my most recent people mover, I will choose to remember the good and leave the bad behind.

Patience is hard while healing, but God promises it will be worth it. I want REAL relationships, real connections and unconditional love. I know that the first place I will find that is in God, and God alone. You want to know the best part? God isn't a people mover. He is here to stay— and He promises to never forsake us. He knows the desires of our hearts. That's a truth that will motivate me to be patient, instead of trying to force my way to happiness. It is a truth that will keep me waiting on the good relationships He has in store for me, instead of trying to find them on my own.

XO,

C

Legs

I run because I can. When I get tired, I remember those who can't run. What they would give to have this simple gift I take for granted, and I run harder for them. I know they would do the same for me. -Author Unknown

It has been almost two months since my last post. I have been waiting to feel inspired—in order to write something meaningful. Yesterday was my 14th round of Herceptin. I have four more treatments left. It wasn't a good day. I smiled in the chair for a picture, to let everyone know I was still fighting...and then I cried the entire way home from Tampa. This week has been hard on me emotionally. My surgeon at Moffitt selected me for a Breast Cancer Awareness spread that will publish in my local paper in October. The interview was Monday and I thought I was ready. The minute the reporter started asking questions I melted down. My Fight Club was here and ready to love on me. I am forever grateful. I didn't realize that even though I am nearing the end of this mess, I would be so impacted by telling the story of what I have been through over the past year. I wanted to do it, because I WANT women to be aware of their bodies and insist on more tests if they know something isn't right. That's what saved my life. I also wanted to tell my story for God's glory...if not for Him and all of the prayer I have received I would not be here today.

This morning when I was running I found my inspiration. I chose a different route to switch things up. I will be running the Chicago 1/2 Marathon next Sunday, September 25. I was running through a quiet neighborhood and a little boy and his father were walking out to the car. The little boy must have been 6 or 7 years old like my Kade. He was walking with leg braces on, and supporting himself with a walker. His dad scooped him up and loaded him in the car. My heart broke. Here I was running by—and the reality hit me that this little boy may never run.

I have questioned my pain, what I have had to endure, why God would allow this disease in my life combined with the family issues that were going on during the same time. But this morning even with my heart breaking, I feel grateful. I had the most treatable curable type of cancer...and I ran 3 miles after having a Herceptin infusion just yesterday. My body is gaining it's health and strength back, I have wonderful people in my life, I have the best friends and family—my legs are strong.

It would be easy to be bitter and dwell on my hardships. But this morning I was reminded that staying positive and being thankful is a far better way to live. I know I will have bad days, but all in all...I am blessed.

Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 

XO,

C

Mine

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." -Vicki Harrison

I have been working through grief lately. I thought I was dealing with the losses I have experienced over the past year as they happened. But, I am learning now that I have barely scratched the surface. I feel alone—even though I know I am not the only one struggling. I feel scared that I will always be this sad.

The world is full of devastating news. Heartbreak, loss and people mistreating each other. Yes, we have a choice. We can be positive, look for the good in things—and change our attitudes. We can remind ourselves that it could always be worse. But even in doing that...we have to grieve. I didn't allow myself to do that. I still don't know how, but I am trying.

The past year has been so full of loss. More than just divorce and cancer. I have felt sad many times but I did not grieve. I have kept myself busy, entertained and I have tried to find glimpses of happiness whenever I can. I was just trying my best to survive, but it did not include any grieving.

I have so many family members and friends supporting me. For that I am forever grateful. Even with an army of support behind me...I feel like only a few people truly understood the full extent of my trauma. Those people include some irreplaceable friends who have also faced cancer. I lost one of those friends to cancer last week. My friend "K" was the perfect example of a fighter. A shining light, a true inspiration. She let me send her crazy venting texts, she brought me dinner, she encouraged me to fight when I wanted to give up. I keep reading through our text feed, that's how I am grieving. I will always remember her bravery and grace. I will honor her by continuing my fight.

Unfortunately, I am learning there is no fast pass for grieving. You can certainly try, but you will be back at square one before you know it. I am allowing myself to go through the pit right now. Which according to a diagram my sweet friend "A" sent me—is the stage of loneliness. This falls right between guilt and isolation. It's not a fun place to be, but the good news is I have friends and family that pull me out of that pit of loneliness for sanity breaks.

My heart will heal in time with God's help. I will keep reminding myself of that until I believe it. One day at at time, even in making many mistakes along the way, healing will come. When I veer off course, He brings me back gently. It's a constant journey, but I am grateful.

"I'm holding on to all of the pieces of my heart's debris, 'till it's time. I'll pull it together and fix myself eventually, I know that it's mine." -Phoebe Ryan, Mine.

One day at a time, with God's help, I know that it's mine.

XO,

C

Perspective

I cried myself to sleep last night. Scared, alone and afraid.

I think we all need to be reminded that things aren't always what they seem.

I have had people tell me that I am an inspiration—that I motivate them to keep going by being honest and sharing my struggles. I have others that tell me that I make life and cancer seem fun...as if I have no struggles at all. I don't know for sure, but I think it has a lot to do with perspective. The state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc.

Why does everyone spend so much time evaluating other people's lives? Look at him/her on social media...they must be hurting because they stay so busy. Or the opposite, they must stay so busy because he/she is choosing to live life in the moment. People ultimately assume what they want, good or bad. In their minds we become what they evaluate...not who we really are.

I have stayed VERY busy lately. Any distraction is better than sitting around sad and lonely. Especially now that I am feeling better physically. BUT that doesn't mean I don't spend A LOT of time sad, alone and in prayer. I worry that I am wearing my friends out. I have been selfish, and I have required a lot from them over the past year without giving back. I just haven't. I have taken...and I feel much guilt over that. I know that this is just a season, but that doesn't make it any easier to take when your heart is to be a giver.

I was supposed to leave for my annual family vacation this morning. Instead I am going in for another biopsy this afternoon. I won't go into details right now, because there is a good chance that it is nothing, but I am scared. It's during times like these when the loss of my spouse is crippling. I curled up in a ball last night and cried myself to sleep. I know I am not alone, but I was physically alone. That has been SO hard for me during times that I just want someone to physically wrap their arms around me, and tell me everything is going to be fine.

I know I will be okay, I have to be. Just keep swimming right?

I felt lead to be honest this morning, and I hope my honesty encourages you to evaluate your perspectives, instead of evaluating people.

XO,

C

Wear the Shoes!

This past Christmas, my children gave me a beautiful pair of So Kate Christian Louboutins. My dream shoe, adored for years—under the tree. I couldn't go to Paris because of Christmas Eve chemo, so Paris came to me.

I was thrilled, but after the holiday thrill was over...they went back to the store. Part guilt for accepting such a lavish gift under the circumstances; and part because they were horribly tight, super high...and terribly uncomfortable. I never wore the shoes.

Fast forward three months and I am walking through Neiman Marcus. After visiting Kathy at the makeup counter, I strolled over to take a peek at the shoe section. It was there that I spotted them...a beautiful design that I have never tried on, the Christian Louboutin Apostrophy nude pump. I quickly made friends with Nancy and asked if I could try them on for kicks and giggles. She came out from the back with one lovely brown paper box—they were my exact size of course. The last pair. It was meant to be. I tried them on and felt super fancy. It was clearly a match made in heaven. Yes I know, a pair of shoes shouldn't make me "happy" and I shouldn't depend on stuff to make me happy. But I am just going to be honest. I was over the moon, so the purchase was made. I didn't think for a moment that pair of shoes would change my life, or make things any better. But I was happy! The shoes made me smile. Then later...

In came the guilt. I have other things to pay for. Medical bills, a party I was planning and more. It was completely irresponsible and selfish of me. So the shoes sat in my closet while I contemplated returning them again.

But I deserved them right? They were initially a gift that I returned, I survived chemo and a horrible infection. They were the LAST pair and in my size. 

The justifications for keeping them continued to swim through my chemo fried brain. Yet the shoes sat in the box, in my closet, bound by a rubber band. Unworn, untouched.

Enters J.

Another friend I met along the way during this crazy cancer journey. I don't know how to describe J other than relaxed positive energy. I don't think I have ever met someone so full of life, interesting, smart and most of all funny. We talked about a lot of things. About my inability to "just breathe". The fact that I am constantly worrying about what's coming next, my fear of messing things up and making the wrong choices in my life moving forward.

My fear to wear the damn shoes. 

I think back on it now and wonder...why did I want them so bad if I am too scared to wear them? Why do I refuse to use something for the very purpose it is made for? Why am I afraid of messing things up? It's a time in my life to take chances, to explore new things. How can I be a fighter yet not be fearless? Why won't I wear the shoes?

So I did it. This past Monday, I wore the shoes. I "Carrie Bradshawed" the entire day. I must say, the shoes were comfortable and fun. As a matter of fact I am wearing them again right now.

So this one goes out to my new friend J. Thanks for encouraging me to breathe, wear the shoes and enjoy the ride, no matter how I mess it up—or where it takes me.

XO,

C

Eight is Enough

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." -Ernest Hemingway

Monday was my 8th round of Herceptin. I am over it, but I am thankful that I have a targeted drug. Some aren't so fortunate. My friend C came to check on me that night and ask me how my infusion went. I was telling him that each time I go in, someone is there for their first round of chemo. You can't help but overhear the conversations. The nurses explaining the process, the time each infusion will take and the side effects. I am taken back to the very first day I walked in to that infusion room. My first nurse. The first time I had my port accessed and all of the safety precautions I had to learn.

Thankfully I haven't had any horrible side effects from the Herceptin. Until now, number 8. I have felt lousy for the last two days. But even though I'm down in the dumps, and have 9 more rounds to go, I don't have to endure any more chemo...many are not so fortunate. I hate cancer.

I haven't blogged in a while. I have been keeping myself busy, a defense mechanism to avoid going into what I call "the pit". I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself for too long, so planning adventures keeps me going. Over the last month I have had fabulous girls' weekends, made fun memories with my kids, danced to the Backstreet Boys with friends at a dive bar on a Tuesday and even crashed a wedding! The fun times keep me going, but I would be lying if I said there weren't bad times too. The pain is real and I am still on my journey to healing and stronger broken places.

When things slow down, I get lonely. It's in those times I grieve the losses that I have experienced over the past year. It's hard, it sucks—it hurts. Sometimes I cry so hard I can't catch my breath. I remind myself that I am doing the best that I can given my set of circumstances. I tell myself I will make it through this. To where? I have no clue. Not knowing when or what that will look like is really freaking frustrating. Especially when I just want things to be the way I hoped they would be NOW.

In a world filled with ways to obtain instant gratification, stopping to feel the pain is even harder. I feel like I am attached to a rubber band at times. Running away from the pain, only to be snapped back to reality. I know it's the grace of God pulling me back like that rubber band, reminding me that there is something greater out there for me if I just take the time to heal properly. He will make my broken places stronger...and I thank Him for never letting me go, even when I try to run.

I heard this song on the way to my appointment this morning. The tears came again. I HAVE to trust that He has better plans I haven't even dreamt of yet.

"Now everything I know is God you're in control, in every little detail you are close. I'll never be alone, here in the unknown...the power of your presence fills my soul." -Trust, Hillsong Young & Free

XO,

C

New Hair, Dr. McDreamy and Tales From a Walgreens

Demi Moore, Natalie Portman, Charlize Theron, Anne Hathaway. They've all rocked a buzz cut beautifully…and after spending a week in the hospital without my wig, I decided I could too.

For those who don't know, one of my implants became infected after my first reconstruction surgery. What a buzzkill to make it so close to the end of this mess and have such a scary setback. I spent a week hooked up to IV antibiotics, ending with a second reconstruction surgery. As bad as it was, I have learned throughout this journey to look for little things along the way to be grateful for. I didn't have to look that hard this time. Upon arrival, I was greeted in my hospital room by my surgeon's resident, who I immediately began to refer to as Dr. McDreamy. Thank goodness I took an anxiety pill to endure the ride over in my mother's minivan, otherwise I don't know how I would have kept my composure.

Fast forward to the end of the week. I obviously enjoyed getting to know McDreamy during my stay as my first words post-surgery let the cat out of the bag in front of the ENTIRE surgical team. My nurse couldn't stop laughing as she told me the story. Apparently as soon as my eyes popped open I asked, "Where's Dr. McDreamy? Where's my hot pants Dr.?" She said he walked over to me and smiled...and I just stared up at him with a huge grin on my face. I don't remember a thing, but the rest is history. I gained another new friend AND member of the Fight Club. He'll be so excited when I tell him he made the blog <3. It's these little unexpected treats that keep me going.

It's been almost three weeks since I left the hospital and so far so good. I learned how to give myself IV antibiotics at home for two weeks and now I am on oral antibiotics for a few more weeks. It looks like I won't need another surgery until the final surgery to remove my port in November. I am so grateful.

When I think back to my post The Hair Scare I realize just how far I have come. Although excruciatingly painful, I can see that I was growing way before my hair started to. When I finally made the decision to go out in public for the first time sans wig, I was so afraid that people would see me and think that I was sick. God must have known I needed the extra confidence because He sent me to Walgreens—where all of the best compliments of my cancer journey have happened. Smack dab in the cosmetics section, a tall man came up to me and asked if I was a model. I smiled and said no. He then proceeded to say, "Well guuurrrrl you should be. You've got the look! The hair, the height, the face..the whole dadgum package!"

The only thing I really heard him say was hair...he said I had hair! As if I planned for it to look this way. I held my head high as I walked out of the store that day. With a package of marshmallow Peeps and a new nail color to match.

XO,

C

Reconstruct

Current stage in my physical reconstruction.

My hair is making a comeback and so am I.

Reconstruct

• : to build (something damaged or destroyed) again

For the past week I have been recovering from my breast reconstruction surgery. I thought I would be back at it in just a few days—but unfortunately, I caught the flu mid-recovery. This meant even more time spent in my house, chained to my recliner. I've had plenty of time to feel thankful, sad, angry, lonely and...to cry. The reconstruction recovery reminded me that I never blogged about my mastectomy. Here I am at the rebuilding, and I never shared what it felt like when my breasts were destroyed.

As I think back to my bilateral mastectomy on October 16, 2015, I didn't mourn the loss of my breasts. I was just focused on getting the cancer out. I knew because of a new procedure and my amazing surgeons at Moffitt, my mastectomy wouldn't look like the scary mastectomy photos I had seen online. I suppose that lessened the blow. I would never see or feel them again—but I didn't grieve the loss at that time. I was also distracted by all of the other things I was grieving simultaniously.

A week ago, I stood in front of the mirror for what seemed like hours staring at my new breasts. Breast that will probably be in the same position when I am 80 if I make it there, lol. They look beautiful, but they aren't mine. For the first time I cried over the loss of my real breasts...5 months later. They weren't just my breasts, they fed my 4 children as I nursed them. They were a part of me. I was finally really grieving the loss.

It's hard to understand this loss unless you have experienced it. Sure, everyone will agree it that is hard and say they can't imagine. Some will also tell you that since chemo is over and you have been "built again" it's over! New breasts, yay how exciting! It's not over. Cancer will never be over for me. Not only did my breasts have to be rebuilt, but I am being reconstructed in other ways too. I never doubted that I would beat this, but I never imagined how hard it would be either. Every step. Not just the surgeries, chemo and loosing my hair. There is an isolation that I can not explain, even with hundreds of people who have my back and would jump the moment I call. I do appreciate all of the the people in my life. The family and friends who have taken care of me, the friends that have prayed for me from afar and the friends who treat me like Cathy and not the sick girl with cancer.

We all have a chance to be rebuilt or to rebuild something that has been damaged or destroyed. This journey has given me time to take a close look at the things that need to be rebuilt in my life. My confidence, my self-worth, my independence. Those were never wavering a year ago. But just as I have had to mourn the loss of my breasts, I have had to mourn the loss of my old life. There are good days and bad. But with every step what has been destroyed—is being rebuilt.

XO,

C

Embracing Reality

My dear friend and client at the time, C treated us to a day at Disney and even an overnight at Animal Kingdom. He just told me to pay it forward one day. C-This post is dedicated to you and your wife J, I hope you like how I am paying it forward with Boxed by an Angel.

Love you guys, thank. you for what you did for me and my children. I will NEVER forget it! 

"At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening."  -Unknown

I read this recently and it was very sobering. I get stuck in the "what should have happened" a lot. It is so hard to pull myself out. I blame myself for decisions I have made, for not seeing signs I should have seen and for fighting a battle for years that I could never win. I never stopped long enough to consider that I could, in fact, live in what is happening instead of constantly trying to change it. I am there now. Learning to live life one day at a time, enjoying every fun and fantastic moment that comes my way. It's not always grand, but many times it's pretty darn fun.

In other news, I can almost see a glimpse of my pre-cancer self...health wise that is. My kids are calling me baby bird head, as I have little feathers of hair that are just starting to grow back. It's exciting but I am impatient. Is it too soon for extensions? Ha! Emotionally, I don't know that the pre-cancer Cathy will ever return. I have changed because I've had to. My ideals are completely different than they were a year ago. I have learned what is important and what is worth fighting for.

I have been weak, but I am stronger now because of that. I hurt, but I am healing. 

My recent echocardiogram showed not ONE change from the echocardiogram before I started Herceptin in November. That news last week made me feel super strong, and very thankful that God is protecting me through this horrific season in my life. There were days that I cried and screamed at Him for "taking my life" from me. But what I couldn't see then was that He wants to give me a new life. I think starting over for anyone is scary, but what I know now is that I can't let that fear take away my joy. I said when all of this started that I wanted to be a badass one day, well I am one now! I have been through the pit of hell—and I am still standing. I am still going,  all the way to November with Herceptin IVs every three weeks and lots of different hair styles.

As for love, it  looked a little different this Valentine's Day. I had full intention of boycotting it completely, but then I had a better idea. I decided to embrace the love that I am so fortunate to have surround me every day—my kids. My cup runneth over, again.

XO,

C

On Windows, Being Single and People Movers

This post is not a brain dump, but more of a heart spill. Sometimes I share things and later feel like I have been too transparent. There are some things I should probably keep to myself...I have shared so much of my journey publicly. But then I think back to posts that I have published and the people who have reached out to me to tell me that they related to what I wrote. They were helped in some way by the words that I typed. So I'm just going to write and we will see what happens.

No hair, no makeup, no filter.

Windows

This past Thursday was my last chemo. I haven't left my bedroom in 5 days. This round has hit the very hardest. When I am sick like this, I feel the lowest. Constant nausea, bone pain, headaches and stomach cramping. I have no choice but to be still, think, cry and reflect. Since I don't have the strength to leave my room, I sat by my window this morning. A month before I was diagnosed with HER2 positive breast cancer I bought a wind chime. I just stared out the window and watched it. I listened to it as it blew in the wind, and it made me smile. No matter how yucky I feel on the inside right now—looking out that window made me look forward to feeling better. I can't wait to spend time out on my back patio again. Reading, listening to that wind chime, grilling dinner and watching my kids swim and play in the backyard.

Windows give us hope. They let us see out, when we can't see a way.

Being Single

I loathe being single. It sucks. THERE, I said it. I am attributing my loathing to the fact that I have been in committed relationships since I was 19 years old. I have never been single for very long as an adult. Ever. Like many women, when I was a little girl I daydreamed about the husband I would do life with. Someone to raise children with, go to church with, watch TV and go on dates with. You know...the quintessential relationship with a spouse that adored me and a family of my own. I may have had the relationships, but the quintessential part—not so much.

I'm not without fault in those relationships, but being single right now wasn't my choice. It is hard enough to go from married to single with no warning, but going through cancer without a spouse's shoulder to cry on has been a very lonely place for me. Even with so many surrounding and supporting me. What this season has taught me is that I can't depend on someone to do life with for my happiness. Unfortunately, my journey to health isn't just fighting breast cancer, it's fighting my old way of doing things as well. I have to learn to accept a different kind of love in the form of support from friends and family—and allow God to fill the loneliness. I have to learn to like being single before I can even think about another relationship.

I don't like it...but I'll do it because I have to.

People Movers

Recently, one of my girlfriends was describing a person who came into my life at the start of my cancer journey as a "people mover". When I asked for a definition, she explained to me that people movers help you move on. They can help you move away from a bad situation, or move forward toward something better. The problem with people movers is that in most cases they are only in our lives temporarily. I have never been equipped to handle temporary relationships. I connect quickly and get hurt when someone decides to move on. This definition made me realize I have had many friendships with people movers, but I have never really learned from them. I may see warning signs and try to pump the brakes, but I have a hard time accepting reality and protecting myself from the hurt that's sure to come.

My most recent people mover helped me move away from a bad situation AND I am headed toward something better in the future. A two for one, and for that I am grateful. Although painful, the moving on forced me to a place where I had no choice but to do some heavy thinking, praying and self evaluation. I realized that I am way too sensitive at times, I believe entirely too much of what I hear when it may not be sincere, I settle for much less than what I deserve and I give too much which allows people to take advantage of me. A hard pill to swallow indeed. But I will have better boundaries and make better decisions now thanks to my most recent people mover.

Sometimes, people are only in our lives for a season. They may not be willing or able to give back what we would give to them. I am learning to be okay with that and move on! So a little advice from me, if you ever enter (and exit) a relationship with a people mover, I suggest that you take the good with you and leave the bad behind. I have so many fond memories of my friendships with people movers—and that is how I will choose to remember them.

Letting go isn't always a bad thing...sometimes it's the only way to move forward. 

XO,

C

Reconnaissant

Reconnaissant, grateful. 

It is really hard for me to be grateful in the midst of a storm. Facing the trials that I have this past year, with the addition of my breast cancer diagnosis has rocked me to my core. I have had some really fun diversions, but I won't sugar coat it...the lows are really low. The lows usually are the lowest when I'm sick from chemo. I know they are coming long before the side effects hit, but I can never fully prepare myself. I have been forced to push through multiple types of pain in 2015.

And excuse my english—but 2015 can suck it.

"We don't know how strong we are until being strong is the only choice we have." 

A dear friend sent these words on a card along with a gift recently. She probably has no idea that the words spoke louder than the gift.

I have read that an attitude of gratitude can pull you out of any funk. But it is so hard for me to be grateful when I am hurting. I should be in Paris right now, with my girlfriends celebrating our 40th birthdays. Instead, I have been in a dark hole for the past few days. Crying and wondering why I have to go through all of this, asking God why I have to feel this pain and begging Him to take it from me. I have been feeling sorry for myself, wondering when and if I will be at peace again and—feeling so much anxiety about my future. I know my God and my other resources are out there, but I couldn't even force myself to tap into them.

Until yesterday.

I remembered a list I started in 2012 after reading one thousand gifts. I went back and realized I only made it to number 362. I must have stopped counting some time in 2014. As I went back and read through my list I realized how happy I was. For little things like the smell of coffee brewing, talks in the car with my toddlers, Saturday morning pancakes and dance parties on balconies. I suppose I was so busy being happy, I forgot to keep counting. I never stopped to think about how hard it would be to count gifts when the going got so tough I could barely drag myself out of bed. Yesterday I started counting again, I made myself. The minute I started to think about all that I have to be grateful for right now, the better I felt. I am not miraculously healed, but at least I am not in the fetal position crying anymore. 

Maybe my life isn't what I thought it should be or what I wanted it to be as I turn 40 tomorrow. But as excruciating as it is, I have an opportunity to learn and grow from the pain. It isn't fun, but for some reason it must be necessary for me. Will I learn to let go and accept that there are some things I will never be able to change or control? Can I be strong enough to be content with the fact that my family doesn't look the same as it did last year? Can I accept love from friends and family that will carry me through the lonely times? These are the mountains I will climb in 2016, but there will always be something to be grateful for, so the list goes on—and so will I.

XO,

C

363. Chemo and a targeted drug that's killing my cancer

364. Amazing doctors that love me

365. Meals delivered to my home

366. Encouraging cards in the mail

367. Socks

368. New friends

369. Cathy's Fight Club

370. My Fight Club blanket (pictured above, thank you A!)

371. Crazy cancer trips

372. New York City

373. Bubby's mac and cheese

373. Surfing

374. Boat parades

375. Brothers

376. Sisters

377. Good insurance

378. My job

379. My work family

380. When a little bit of Paris comes to me when I can't go to it

381. Croissants

382. Macarons

383. A giant box of head scarfs from a friend

384. Loving on my friend's babies

385. Snapchat fun with Syd

‘Twas the Night Before Chemo

Chemo brain is a common term used by cancer survivors to describe thinking and memory problems that can occur after cancer treatment.Chemo brain can also be called chemo fog, chemotherapy-related cognitive impairment or cognitive dysfunction.

OH. MY. WORD. It's true and I have proof. Every morning when I walk into work I am greeted by two sweet employees in the finance department, who sit by the entrance door of my building. Yesterday I went down to let a delivery man in and I stopped to say hi to them. They asked me how I was doing and mentioned something that I didn't realize they knew. They then proceeded to to tell me that a few weeks ago, I told them my entire life story in detail—and I have NO recollection of the conversation. AT ALL! I was mortified, embarrassed and most of all SCARED. How could I not remember a thing? What else has been wiped from my memory? I did however, laugh...and they laughed right along with me. They must have made me feel pretty comfortable since I told them all about my struggles, cancer, surgery and more. N said, "Well you might not remember a thing—but we know you REALLY well now, lol!"

Round 3 and Christmas Eve chemo is tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it, but I am ready to get this over with. On the bright side, my friend L is going to take me. I am in awe of my friends. Friends that are willing to do things like sacrifice their Christmas Eve to sit in an infusion lab with me! My cup runneth over in the midst of this crap storm. Aside from the chemo brain, I am very blessed to have felt good for the past couple of weeks. I am praying that I power through this round too. I am loaded up on soup from my friends and Berna's amazing healing bone broth. If you are ever in Lakeland you MUST go meet her and eat at Cafe Zuppina. She's one of the sweetest ladies I know, and the food is like no other! Her bone broth is one of the only things I can stomach when the chemo side effects kick in. Tell her I sent you, there's so much goodness in this lovely little town.

On to fashion, yesterday I wore one of the pairs of Lululemon pants that they sent me to work. I may or may not have slept in them the night before. I threw on heels and a necklace to make it look a little less like pajamas. Ha! I have never been more comfortable at work.

I did however make a comeback today thanks to my friends at 5th and Hall. My eye was on this skirt as soon as I saw them post it on social media.  I am thrilled to have them adding to the fashion scene here in Lakeland.

Skirt: 5th and Hall (K&A, I miss your sweet store SO much, Shoes: Halogen, Top: Banana Republic, Necklace: Kate Spade

Tomorrow it's back to pajamas for chemo. Thank you all for your prayers and love. I want to wish you ALL a very Merry Christmas!

XO,
C

Crazy Cancer Adventures

"Life should not only be lived, it should be celebrated." -Osho

I covered a lot of ground this past weekend. I flew to Ft. Lauderdale and visited a ton of SOFLO friends and spent quality time with family too. I left with a full heart and some extra mojo to finish out the next two rounds of chemo. My sweet friend D picked me up from the airport, and I met her baby girl M for the very first time. Brunch at La Bonne Crepe on Las Olas was incredible! D is one of those friends that I can just pick up where I left off, no matter how much time has passed. I am so blessed to have her in my life and little miss M is just delicious. A trip highlight for sure.

Next stop, my cousin Milo's where we potted orchids and fed goats. Random...but fun-just like Milo.

I was then on to my friend K's house. She took me to the Riverside Hotel for the very first time for a cocktail before the Winter Fest Boat Parade. I had a blast hanging with Channel 7 and the news crew and then it was off to our friends' condo to watch the fun.

Some of the amazing boats! It was incredible to watch…and I had the best view, Thank you B& K!

This was 2015! Little E is in COLLEGE NOW!

Sunday was Milo and E day. So fun. We had an amazing brunch at Green Bar & Kitchen, followed by a trip to Marando Farms and then off to surf for the afternoon. 

Then this happened. A little choppy but we rode a few in. I'm two sessions away from being a professional. I've definitely got the look down. ;)

Sweet K, is Elena’s mom and has always loved me like family…and still does!

The grand finale was picking up E's sweet mom K from the airport. Sipping tea on her couch and catching up on our crazy lives that never slow down. I am so surrounded by love it overwhelms me.

To wrap up this busy post, here's a song that pretty much sums it up! Yes, this is living. <3

"Cat"astrophe

This morning was a "cat"astrophe. Literally.

People, you can NOT make this stuff up.

My outdoor cat Simon needed to be dropped off at the vet today and was not cooperating. He escaped after nearly clawing us...and ran out into the front yard. At the same time, my dog Bentley saw an opportunity to dart out of the partially cracked door.

Yours truly, was fashionably dressed in a silk robe, gold sparkle Uggs and bald head. Unfortunately for him, my neighbor G was headed out to his truck. I yelled to him to grab Bentley...he looked up at me with this hilarious look of shock, I almost died. He knows I have breast cancer, but I realized he hasn't seen me bald yet. Hahahahahaha. Talk about awkward. I don't think he made eye contact after the initial shock, but I did get my dog back.

Who knows, maybe it wasn't the bald head at all...maybe it was the robe/Ugg combo? Ha! Laughter is good medicine, and it started my Friday off right. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend. I myself am feeling good and headed out on a little adventure. Full debriefing and post to come next week. enjoy.

XO,

C