Dear Chemo,

Dear Chemo,

I don't want you, I don't like you and I want to break up immediately!

*Warning, if you are looking to be inspired, exit out. This is definitely not a feel good post. Hopefully I will be back to those in few days.

I went from feeling like this on Friday night:

We miss the Nordstrom Christmas Party in Tampa! BRING IT BACK!

to not being able to get out of bed on Saturday. I was still in bed all day today and it's Tuesday. I miss the outside, I miss sunshine, I miss people...and I am missing my friend's VIP restaurant opening party tonight. I won't even be able to go to my little boy's birthday party at the fun center, due to it being a germ factory.

I know I should be grateful for what is good in my life. I should be thankful that I am being kept alive and the cancer is being knocked out. I should be grateful that I only have 4 rounds total when some have dozens.

But I don't want any. more. chemo! 

I went from being 100% healthy to 100% sickly and I can't take it. Such a huge shock and lifestyle change. Everyone keeps reminding me that it's temporary, just a blip on the radar. Is it? Because mentally and emotionally...I don't know if I agree with that at all. I don't think this will ever be temporary for me.

I am on the go, all of the time. Sitting still just isn't my thing. But I haven't had a choice for four days now. I have had bone pain that is crippling, stomach cramps worse than labor pains, headaches and nausea. I feel like I have been run over by a truck. The girl who is always smiling, has not been able to stop crying. I don't want to fight anymore, I want it to stop. I want to go back to normal, back to work and back to my happy self. I want to be a real mom again, not one that just gets up when she can muster enough energy to make it to the kitchen. I want to tuck my babies in at night and read them stories. I can't even be near them if they have a sniffle.

What am I learning out of all of this? Patience possibly? How to be happy in the middle of a shit storm? I don't know. Maybe when it's over I will have some profound epiphany to share. But for now, I will share that this SUCKS, and I want it over with pronto.

I can't close this out complaining. I do want to thank my Fight Club for taking over when I can't fight. They have been praying, bringing me food that I feel like eating and cleaning out my refrigerator. The gifts keep on coming! Every day something good happens, it doesn't make me like this any more or say, "WOW I am so glad this happened to me because I never would have..." but the sweet spots overwhelm me, make me feel loved and keep me going on days like today when I want to say, I AM DONE!

XO,

C

Round 2!

Round 2 was super eventful. I pulled off 4 different looks, had queso with my chemo and loved on my sweet momma and first born.

Here are a few of my new looks. I am actually having fun with no hair. Well...t's fun for now. I am sure I will be ready to have my hair back any minute though!

 Then, THIS HAPPENED! AHHHHH!

Right in the middle of my infusion! If you know me, you know I have a Lululemon addiction. I was already a fan, but as you can see now, they have my heart. <3  I can't WAIT to blog about the treat they are sending me, stay tuned!

So 2 Down, 2 to go! Blessings abound…even in the storm.

XO,

C

Before and After

Me and my friend P!

Dedicating this post to you! XO

Before. I met P when I started my new job just a short five months ago. I have always believed that God sends us the right people at the right time, but this time I have proof. She has been there for me since the day I received my diagnosis. She has listened to me, encouraged me, witnessed me lose it–and she has helped me in so many ways. Tonight, she shaved her head with me. She even went first to make it less traumatic for me. I can't even begin to describe what her sacrifice and tribute means to me.

Bald Baddies!

After. Here we are in our after ROCKING it! It is just hair. But for me, it wasn't about the fear of how I would look. I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Now every time I look in the mirror, my bald head will remind me that I am fighting stupid cancer and I'm on stupid chemo. I can't eat after my kids, I worry about kissing them unless I have doused them with hand sanitizer or disinfectant spray. I'm not the homeroom mom anymore, I forget everything, I double book, I obsess about hand washing, I can't order certain foods at restaurants, I have a new normal...for now. There is nothing about any of this that is fun but even on the darkest of days, I have hope. I have friends like P, who love me and who are there for me exactly when and how I need them to be. They are there for me without me asking, and even when they don't know what to say. I wouldn't even know what to say to me. Seriously.

After, after. I still look like me, thanks to my amazing hair stylist Jen. I may have spent on a wig what I really wanted to spend on these Christian Louboutins–but I will wear the wig much more over the next few months...and the Louboutins will come AFTER I kick the crap out of this cancer. Something else to look forward to :) I've had some very dark days and I know there will be more to come. But every day there IS something to be grateful for. I am thankful for my healthy children, my mother being my right hand, my family, my friends like P, my supportive work family, my amazing doctors at Moffitt Cancer Center and my fight club members who have been delivering meals, cards, gifts and encouragement. That's the short list, there is so much more. Thank you, for allowing me to share my story and my heart. Three more to go...I can and will do this, even though I don't want to.

XO,

C

Adele, Relaxing and Reality

I'm obsessed. Adele's new album. It was on repeat in my bathroom tonight.

This picture, is reality. I was home alone tonight so a relaxing bath was in order. This was probably one of the most emotional baths of my life and I have taken thousands. I have talked about loosing my hair before (damn you breast cancer) and everyone has been so supportive. I hear echoing encouragements of how I will be beautiful no matter what, hair doesn't matter, bald is beautiful, how I will rock a wig, etc. But the feeling that I had tonight wasn't about any insecurity of how I will look, or fear of loosing my hair. It was that this sh&t is getting REAL. The chemo is working. After only ONE round of poison that will kill every cell of cancer that may be left in my body, my hair is falling out when I run my fingers through it. It's crazy. I have never felt this feeling before. It's scary, emotional, real and NOT about hair.

After work on Monday I won't have to worry about clogging anymore drains. My sweet friend and hair stylist is going to save me from the madness. I have had friends go before me in this fight and they have told me to wait until I am ready. Well after tonight...and thanks to Adele singing her heart out in the background, I am READY!

What's even more shocking and unbelievable to me is that I have a friend joining me. She has no agenda, other than she has had a fear of cancer for the longest time after loosing loved ones closest to her. She told me that I brought a calm to her storm–and I was the first person to bring her hope when she has only looked at cancer as a way to say goodbye. What an incredible woman and what an honor it is for me to call her friend. Her sacrifice is overwhelming to me, I don't know that I could do it and I don't know many that would.

This Thursday will be round two, and then I can say I am halfway there. I can do this, I will do this. It's emotional, it's hard and it's lonely even with hundreds of people surrounding me. But I am thankful for every day that I have. I am grateful for every painful moment of my story, for the craziness that I feel (and may have deflected on others, lol) and how it may help someone else in the days to come. The fight is on people, and it's real. Thank you for loving me.

XO,

C

So Thankful

Family and Friends in their Cathy’s Fight Club shirts! :)

Just a few highlights of our day. This year we were down a couple of family members which was sad, but we gained a few friends to make up for it. More mashed potatoes please!

Happy Thanksgiving,

C