Love Bomb 💣

As an update, Laura is now Dr. Laura Tomko. I am so proud, this blog post is dedicated to her!

Who wouldn't want to be loved bombed?  It sounds so great, right?  It feels even better at the time. But this type of bomb will most definitely go up in flames.

I didn't know it until recently, but I am a love bomb survivor. Therefore, I am happy to share this with those of you who may not be familiar with the tactic. I sure wish someone would have warned me.

I reentered the dating world at 40 and I am still encountering love bombers. These guys (or girls) tell you everything you want to hear. They pour on the charm to make you feel adored. It's all smoke and mirrors...trust me on this. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. The steady influx of compliments and attention are transactional, because love bombers are always looking for what they can get out of a situation. From my experience, all love bombers are not the same. But a few telltale signs of a love-bombing partner are extravagant gifts, obsessive flattery and constant complimentary texting or other outreach.

What is it that makes us love the bomb? Why do we let words impress us with absolutely no backup? Are we so desperate for affirmation that we ignore that this constant attention isn't even close to being natural?

Some love bombers are more subtle than others. They are charming and kind without being over the top. This subtle bomber is the one that I have fallen for in the past. It took me 40 years, but I know better now. Then you have the love bombers like one of my friends dated. This guy would leave the sappiest voicemail messages professing his love—and be out on a date with another girl the next night. Another friend of mine had a guy tell her she was the love of his life after the second date!

For me, identifying love bombing behaviors and breaking my pattern of falling for them was key. I want so badly to believe that people are genuine. But after much research and experience, I know now that the love bomb has no staying power. It's a manipulation tactic that will ultimately explode leaving you feeling empty and confused. It's so crazy that dating in my later life is teaching me everything I did wrong—and fell for early on.

How do you know if it's love bombing? Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself. When you are talking, is your significant other truly listening? Do they value your perspective or talk over you? Do they try to change your mind or cause you to question yourself? To know for sure, instead of just listening to the words they say, watch their behavior. Genuine love grows slowly. It’s only by moving slowly that a true intimate relationship can develop.

I asked my friend Laura to chime in and this is what she had to say:

According to a study at the Pew Research Center, love only goes so far, and we know it. Most Americans no longer believe in the concept of sugary sweet “love” and demand more from their partners than butterflies and kisses.  Seven out of ten people surveyed (69%) do not agree with the notion of a soul mate or the pursuit of one true love; that means only 28% do. Among those who do subscribe to this archaic and ridiculous notion, men (31%) are slightly more likely to do so than women (26%). Maybe that’s a surprise to some of our readers. It’s not to me.

Young and old, married and unmarried, we are all equally skeptical.  

Here’s the thing: love bombs are only dangerous if you don’t know them when you see them. If you recognize them for what they are, they become a compliment and nothing more; a sweet step in the dance of courtship….or on-the way-to-the-bedroom-ship. Either way, learning to understand that everyone loves the feeling of being in love but is realistic about what that means will save you from the smokey room Cathy pointed out to you (unless you’re looking for a sexy firefighter to come and save you—in that case, I’m in!).

We have all lost a limb or two by stepping on the love bomb.  That’s ok. Genuine love does grow slowly.  Allow yourself to be kind, genuine, and giving.  If you get a love bomb whispered into your ear, enjoy the warm fuzzy and roll your eyes on the inside.  And be sure to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times; it’s rough out there!

Laura Pomykalski Tomko is a high school English teacher and doctoral candidate.  She enjoys wine, Dave Matthews Band, and shopping trips to Publix, in that order.  She is a single forty-something living in Orlando and navigating relationships while raising a family, working full time, and writing a dissertation.