Alone on Cathy Island (Weekend Recap)

"Sometimes it takes learning how to be perfectly lonely, just so God can show you what being perfectly loved feels like. Never doubt the season He has your life in."

-Unknown

Alone. I haven't spent a weekend alone in well...forever. I either make plans to keep myself busy, or I have my children to keep me busy. I decided I would try a little experiment this weekend to see if I could not only survive the weekend alone, but really enjoy it. Amazingly enough I did both!

I am used to doing life with someone, so adjusting to the change of no partner has been really hard on me. In my loneliness, I have sought attention from the wrong people...and I have felt the consequences of that. I believe that when we struggle, it is because God is working on us. I feel there was something more that He wanted me to learn. That is what prompted me to realize that I need to REALLY love myself, by myself. I need to accept how amazing He thinks I am, no matter what trials or rejections come my way in this fallen world. I learned this weekend that I can be alone...but I am never alone.  Here's a little recap of my fun. I have a feeling I will be enjoying many more weekends just like this, and LOVING it!

I don't always ride 12 miles but when I do it's in the brightest Lululemon outfit I own! #safetyfirst

Patriot Coffee and cut-offs! :)

An hour massage, delightful!

I even dined solo. The BEST Pad Thai in Lakeland!

Watched the sunset last night on my back patio! <3

Baker's dozen and homemade cream cheese from Uncle Nick's this morning!

Now it's time to turn on some music, and sit in the sun by my pool. How was your weekend?

XO,

C

Pain, Purpose and Another (Hopefully Last) Lesson From a People Mover

Thanks Pastor B, for your message that inspired this post years ago. We miss you!

In a recent sermon, my pastor spoke about how God uses pain to shape us in ways that pleasure never could. Anyone who has followed my blog over the past year knows that this has been the most painful year of my life so far. I have tried to stay positive and be the "inspiration" everyone thinks I am. But I continue to make mistakes along this journey. I surrender to God's will only to be distracted by the world. From staying too busy, to trying to find comfort in relationships with those who I like to call "people movers."

Because I only learn lessons after the 99th time of suffering the consequences...yet again I entered a relationship with a people mover a few months back. This people mover was incapable of a real relationship, and I was in denial. It was fun and it filled a void for a little while, but the same disappointment came when the exit took place.

The hardest part is that I grieve the loss of people movers the same way I would an individual capable of true human emotion. I miss the void they filled even though it's clear they didn't have my best interests at heart. It's really not the people mover's fault, I am to blame. I am the one that has the problem choosing.

So I grieved, again. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, but it's time for me to commit to what I said I would in my first post on people movers . Better boundaries. I have to stop making excuses for people and their problems for fear of loosing them in my life. After all, isn't it better to be lonely for a season and heal completely rather than to continue to have my heart broken? Or even worse, be miserable in an unhealthy relationship? Here is an expert from my original post on people movers back in January. It is screaming at me right now.

"I may see warning signs and try to pump the brakes, but I have a hard time accepting reality and protecting myself from the hurt that’s sure to come."

So as you can see, I have been here before. I'm reminded yet again that I have to sit in that reality and come to terms with what it is I am expecting. Why do I depend on the people in my life for happiness?

God has shown me in the past week that my happiness is in MY control, not in what others do. No one can fill the void that breast cancer and my divorce left. Only God. For as long as I can remember I have held onto people, even toxic people, for fear of being alone. I have accepted behaviors and not held any boundaries believing that if the person just would work on their issues everything would be okay and my happiness would return. This is a lie from Satan himself. Damn him.

My happiness doesn't depend on someone else's behavior or actions. So I am taking back the controls.

It is time for me to love myself. To love myself enough to not except anything but the best, which is ultimately what God has in store for me. I suppose it just took multiple times of making the same mistake for it to click. But good news, it's clicking...and I am moving forward. No hard feelings, just another lesson learned the hard way. As far as the my most recent people mover, I will choose to remember the good and leave the bad behind.

Patience is hard while healing, but God promises it will be worth it. I want REAL relationships, real connections and unconditional love. I know that the first place I will find that is in God, and God alone. You want to know the best part? God isn't a people mover. He is here to stay— and He promises to never forsake us. He knows the desires of our hearts. That's a truth that will motivate me to be patient, instead of trying to force my way to happiness. It is a truth that will keep me waiting on the good relationships He has in store for me, instead of trying to find them on my own.

XO,

C

Embracing Reality

My dear friend and client at the time, C treated us to a day at Disney and even an overnight at Animal Kingdom. He just told me to pay it forward one day. C-This post is dedicated to you and your wife J, I hope you like how I am paying it forward with Boxed by an Angel.

Love you guys, thank. you for what you did for me and my children. I will NEVER forget it! 

"At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening."  -Unknown

I read this recently and it was very sobering. I get stuck in the "what should have happened" a lot. It is so hard to pull myself out. I blame myself for decisions I have made, for not seeing signs I should have seen and for fighting a battle for years that I could never win. I never stopped long enough to consider that I could, in fact, live in what is happening instead of constantly trying to change it. I am there now. Learning to live life one day at a time, enjoying every fun and fantastic moment that comes my way. It's not always grand, but many times it's pretty darn fun.

In other news, I can almost see a glimpse of my pre-cancer self...health wise that is. My kids are calling me baby bird head, as I have little feathers of hair that are just starting to grow back. It's exciting but I am impatient. Is it too soon for extensions? Ha! Emotionally, I don't know that the pre-cancer Cathy will ever return. I have changed because I've had to. My ideals are completely different than they were a year ago. I have learned what is important and what is worth fighting for.

I have been weak, but I am stronger now because of that. I hurt, but I am healing. 

My recent echocardiogram showed not ONE change from the echocardiogram before I started Herceptin in November. That news last week made me feel super strong, and very thankful that God is protecting me through this horrific season in my life. There were days that I cried and screamed at Him for "taking my life" from me. But what I couldn't see then was that He wants to give me a new life. I think starting over for anyone is scary, but what I know now is that I can't let that fear take away my joy. I said when all of this started that I wanted to be a badass one day, well I am one now! I have been through the pit of hell—and I am still standing. I am still going,  all the way to November with Herceptin IVs every three weeks and lots of different hair styles.

As for love, it  looked a little different this Valentine's Day. I had full intention of boycotting it completely, but then I had a better idea. I decided to embrace the love that I am so fortunate to have surround me every day—my kids. My cup runneth over, again.

XO,

C

On Windows, Being Single and People Movers

This post is not a brain dump, but more of a heart spill. Sometimes I share things and later feel like I have been too transparent. There are some things I should probably keep to myself...I have shared so much of my journey publicly. But then I think back to posts that I have published and the people who have reached out to me to tell me that they related to what I wrote. They were helped in some way by the words that I typed. So I'm just going to write and we will see what happens.

No hair, no makeup, no filter.

Windows

This past Thursday was my last chemo. I haven't left my bedroom in 5 days. This round has hit the very hardest. When I am sick like this, I feel the lowest. Constant nausea, bone pain, headaches and stomach cramping. I have no choice but to be still, think, cry and reflect. Since I don't have the strength to leave my room, I sat by my window this morning. A month before I was diagnosed with HER2 positive breast cancer I bought a wind chime. I just stared out the window and watched it. I listened to it as it blew in the wind, and it made me smile. No matter how yucky I feel on the inside right now—looking out that window made me look forward to feeling better. I can't wait to spend time out on my back patio again. Reading, listening to that wind chime, grilling dinner and watching my kids swim and play in the backyard.

Windows give us hope. They let us see out, when we can't see a way.

Being Single

I loathe being single. It sucks. THERE, I said it. I am attributing my loathing to the fact that I have been in committed relationships since I was 19 years old. I have never been single for very long as an adult. Ever. Like many women, when I was a little girl I daydreamed about the husband I would do life with. Someone to raise children with, go to church with, watch TV and go on dates with. You know...the quintessential relationship with a spouse that adored me and a family of my own. I may have had the relationships, but the quintessential part—not so much.

I'm not without fault in those relationships, but being single right now wasn't my choice. It is hard enough to go from married to single with no warning, but going through cancer without a spouse's shoulder to cry on has been a very lonely place for me. Even with so many surrounding and supporting me. What this season has taught me is that I can't depend on someone to do life with for my happiness. Unfortunately, my journey to health isn't just fighting breast cancer, it's fighting my old way of doing things as well. I have to learn to accept a different kind of love in the form of support from friends and family—and allow God to fill the loneliness. I have to learn to like being single before I can even think about another relationship.

I don't like it...but I'll do it because I have to.

People Movers

Recently, one of my girlfriends was describing a person who came into my life at the start of my cancer journey as a "people mover". When I asked for a definition, she explained to me that people movers help you move on. They can help you move away from a bad situation, or move forward toward something better. The problem with people movers is that in most cases they are only in our lives temporarily. I have never been equipped to handle temporary relationships. I connect quickly and get hurt when someone decides to move on. This definition made me realize I have had many friendships with people movers, but I have never really learned from them. I may see warning signs and try to pump the brakes, but I have a hard time accepting reality and protecting myself from the hurt that's sure to come.

My most recent people mover helped me move away from a bad situation AND I am headed toward something better in the future. A two for one, and for that I am grateful. Although painful, the moving on forced me to a place where I had no choice but to do some heavy thinking, praying and self evaluation. I realized that I am way too sensitive at times, I believe entirely too much of what I hear when it may not be sincere, I settle for much less than what I deserve and I give too much which allows people to take advantage of me. A hard pill to swallow indeed. But I will have better boundaries and make better decisions now thanks to my most recent people mover.

Sometimes, people are only in our lives for a season. They may not be willing or able to give back what we would give to them. I am learning to be okay with that and move on! So a little advice from me, if you ever enter (and exit) a relationship with a people mover, I suggest that you take the good with you and leave the bad behind. I have so many fond memories of my friendships with people movers—and that is how I will choose to remember them.

Letting go isn't always a bad thing...sometimes it's the only way to move forward. 

XO,

C