Alone on Cathy Island (Weekend Recap)

"Sometimes it takes learning how to be perfectly lonely, just so God can show you what being perfectly loved feels like. Never doubt the season He has your life in."

-Unknown

Alone. I haven't spent a weekend alone in well...forever. I either make plans to keep myself busy, or I have my children to keep me busy. I decided I would try a little experiment this weekend to see if I could not only survive the weekend alone, but really enjoy it. Amazingly enough I did both!

I am used to doing life with someone, so adjusting to the change of no partner has been really hard on me. In my loneliness, I have sought attention from the wrong people...and I have felt the consequences of that. I believe that when we struggle, it is because God is working on us. I feel there was something more that He wanted me to learn. That is what prompted me to realize that I need to REALLY love myself, by myself. I need to accept how amazing He thinks I am, no matter what trials or rejections come my way in this fallen world. I learned this weekend that I can be alone...but I am never alone.  Here's a little recap of my fun. I have a feeling I will be enjoying many more weekends just like this, and LOVING it!

I don't always ride 12 miles but when I do it's in the brightest Lululemon outfit I own! #safetyfirst

Patriot Coffee and cut-offs! :)

An hour massage, delightful!

I even dined solo. The BEST Pad Thai in Lakeland!

Watched the sunset last night on my back patio! <3

Baker's dozen and homemade cream cheese from Uncle Nick's this morning!

Now it's time to turn on some music, and sit in the sun by my pool. How was your weekend?

XO,

C

Pain, Purpose and Another (Hopefully Last) Lesson From a People Mover

Thanks Pastor B, for your message that inspired this post years ago. We miss you!

In a recent sermon, my pastor spoke about how God uses pain to shape us in ways that pleasure never could. Anyone who has followed my blog over the past year knows that this has been the most painful year of my life so far. I have tried to stay positive and be the "inspiration" everyone thinks I am. But I continue to make mistakes along this journey. I surrender to God's will only to be distracted by the world. From staying too busy, to trying to find comfort in relationships with those who I like to call "people movers."

Because I only learn lessons after the 99th time of suffering the consequences...yet again I entered a relationship with a people mover a few months back. This people mover was incapable of a real relationship, and I was in denial. It was fun and it filled a void for a little while, but the same disappointment came when the exit took place.

The hardest part is that I grieve the loss of people movers the same way I would an individual capable of true human emotion. I miss the void they filled even though it's clear they didn't have my best interests at heart. It's really not the people mover's fault, I am to blame. I am the one that has the problem choosing.

So I grieved, again. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, but it's time for me to commit to what I said I would in my first post on people movers . Better boundaries. I have to stop making excuses for people and their problems for fear of loosing them in my life. After all, isn't it better to be lonely for a season and heal completely rather than to continue to have my heart broken? Or even worse, be miserable in an unhealthy relationship? Here is an expert from my original post on people movers back in January. It is screaming at me right now.

"I may see warning signs and try to pump the brakes, but I have a hard time accepting reality and protecting myself from the hurt that’s sure to come."

So as you can see, I have been here before. I'm reminded yet again that I have to sit in that reality and come to terms with what it is I am expecting. Why do I depend on the people in my life for happiness?

God has shown me in the past week that my happiness is in MY control, not in what others do. No one can fill the void that breast cancer and my divorce left. Only God. For as long as I can remember I have held onto people, even toxic people, for fear of being alone. I have accepted behaviors and not held any boundaries believing that if the person just would work on their issues everything would be okay and my happiness would return. This is a lie from Satan himself. Damn him.

My happiness doesn't depend on someone else's behavior or actions. So I am taking back the controls.

It is time for me to love myself. To love myself enough to not except anything but the best, which is ultimately what God has in store for me. I suppose it just took multiple times of making the same mistake for it to click. But good news, it's clicking...and I am moving forward. No hard feelings, just another lesson learned the hard way. As far as the my most recent people mover, I will choose to remember the good and leave the bad behind.

Patience is hard while healing, but God promises it will be worth it. I want REAL relationships, real connections and unconditional love. I know that the first place I will find that is in God, and God alone. You want to know the best part? God isn't a people mover. He is here to stay— and He promises to never forsake us. He knows the desires of our hearts. That's a truth that will motivate me to be patient, instead of trying to force my way to happiness. It is a truth that will keep me waiting on the good relationships He has in store for me, instead of trying to find them on my own.

XO,

C

Mine

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." -Vicki Harrison

I have been working through grief lately. I thought I was dealing with the losses I have experienced over the past year as they happened. But, I am learning now that I have barely scratched the surface. I feel alone—even though I know I am not the only one struggling. I feel scared that I will always be this sad.

The world is full of devastating news. Heartbreak, loss and people mistreating each other. Yes, we have a choice. We can be positive, look for the good in things—and change our attitudes. We can remind ourselves that it could always be worse. But even in doing that...we have to grieve. I didn't allow myself to do that. I still don't know how, but I am trying.

The past year has been so full of loss. More than just divorce and cancer. I have felt sad many times but I did not grieve. I have kept myself busy, entertained and I have tried to find glimpses of happiness whenever I can. I was just trying my best to survive, but it did not include any grieving.

I have so many family members and friends supporting me. For that I am forever grateful. Even with an army of support behind me...I feel like only a few people truly understood the full extent of my trauma. Those people include some irreplaceable friends who have also faced cancer. I lost one of those friends to cancer last week. My friend "K" was the perfect example of a fighter. A shining light, a true inspiration. She let me send her crazy venting texts, she brought me dinner, she encouraged me to fight when I wanted to give up. I keep reading through our text feed, that's how I am grieving. I will always remember her bravery and grace. I will honor her by continuing my fight.

Unfortunately, I am learning there is no fast pass for grieving. You can certainly try, but you will be back at square one before you know it. I am allowing myself to go through the pit right now. Which according to a diagram my sweet friend "A" sent me—is the stage of loneliness. This falls right between guilt and isolation. It's not a fun place to be, but the good news is I have friends and family that pull me out of that pit of loneliness for sanity breaks.

My heart will heal in time with God's help. I will keep reminding myself of that until I believe it. One day at at time, even in making many mistakes along the way, healing will come. When I veer off course, He brings me back gently. It's a constant journey, but I am grateful.

"I'm holding on to all of the pieces of my heart's debris, 'till it's time. I'll pull it together and fix myself eventually, I know that it's mine." -Phoebe Ryan, Mine.

One day at a time, with God's help, I know that it's mine.

XO,

C