This Too Shall Pass
I don't even know how long it has been since my last post. I am working full time at Publix now and the days are just flying by. I always try to be inspirational when I post, but tonight I am going to be real.
I have been struggling the past few days when I should be celebrating. I have been looking forward to the end of my treatment since it began in August of 2015. But after my last infusion on this past Saturday, severe anxiety kicked in.
I have been fighting for so long now. Infusions every three weeks for over a year, 5 surgeries and more doctors' appointments than I can count. My port will be removed on Thursday. Breast cancer is over.
Why am I scared?
My fear is that if I am not fighting it, it will come back. In talking with other survivors today, I am finding out that these feelings of mine are quite normal. I was fortunate enough to have a targeted drug, the cancer is not coming back. But ending my treatments and having my port removed means the fight is over...and that terrifies me just about as much as my initial diagnosis.
This is where faith steps in. The fight may be over, but now my fight is to declare every day that this chapter in my life is OVER. I have been given the gift of celebrating another Christmas...and another birthday. I have healthy children to be healthy with! 2017 won't be filled with doctors' appointments and treatments. Life will return to normal. Although, I am claiming that it will return to BETTER than normal, despite how I am feeling right now.
I can't thank you all enough, for following my journey and cheering me on the entire way. It has been the hardest thing I have ever faced—and your prayers and support are what have brought me through this. I want to share this song with you all, as it spoke to my heart tonight. God is good. He has been so good to me. Every bit of strength I had, came from Him. Thank you for loving me and letting me share my heart...and my journey.
XO,
C
Pain, Purpose and Another (Hopefully Last) Lesson From a People Mover
Thanks Pastor B, for your message that inspired this post years ago. We miss you!
In a recent sermon, my pastor spoke about how God uses pain to shape us in ways that pleasure never could. Anyone who has followed my blog over the past year knows that this has been the most painful year of my life so far. I have tried to stay positive and be the "inspiration" everyone thinks I am. But I continue to make mistakes along this journey. I surrender to God's will only to be distracted by the world. From staying too busy, to trying to find comfort in relationships with those who I like to call "people movers."
Because I only learn lessons after the 99th time of suffering the consequences...yet again I entered a relationship with a people mover a few months back. This people mover was incapable of a real relationship, and I was in denial. It was fun and it filled a void for a little while, but the same disappointment came when the exit took place.
The hardest part is that I grieve the loss of people movers the same way I would an individual capable of true human emotion. I miss the void they filled even though it's clear they didn't have my best interests at heart. It's really not the people mover's fault, I am to blame. I am the one that has the problem choosing.
So I grieved, again. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, but it's time for me to commit to what I said I would in my first post on people movers . Better boundaries. I have to stop making excuses for people and their problems for fear of loosing them in my life. After all, isn't it better to be lonely for a season and heal completely rather than to continue to have my heart broken? Or even worse, be miserable in an unhealthy relationship? Here is an expert from my original post on people movers back in January. It is screaming at me right now.
"I may see warning signs and try to pump the brakes, but I have a hard time accepting reality and protecting myself from the hurt that’s sure to come."
So as you can see, I have been here before. I'm reminded yet again that I have to sit in that reality and come to terms with what it is I am expecting. Why do I depend on the people in my life for happiness?
God has shown me in the past week that my happiness is in MY control, not in what others do. No one can fill the void that breast cancer and my divorce left. Only God. For as long as I can remember I have held onto people, even toxic people, for fear of being alone. I have accepted behaviors and not held any boundaries believing that if the person just would work on their issues everything would be okay and my happiness would return. This is a lie from Satan himself. Damn him.
My happiness doesn't depend on someone else's behavior or actions. So I am taking back the controls.
It is time for me to love myself. To love myself enough to not except anything but the best, which is ultimately what God has in store for me. I suppose it just took multiple times of making the same mistake for it to click. But good news, it's clicking...and I am moving forward. No hard feelings, just another lesson learned the hard way. As far as the my most recent people mover, I will choose to remember the good and leave the bad behind.
Patience is hard while healing, but God promises it will be worth it. I want REAL relationships, real connections and unconditional love. I know that the first place I will find that is in God, and God alone. You want to know the best part? God isn't a people mover. He is here to stay— and He promises to never forsake us. He knows the desires of our hearts. That's a truth that will motivate me to be patient, instead of trying to force my way to happiness. It is a truth that will keep me waiting on the good relationships He has in store for me, instead of trying to find them on my own.
XO,
C