Eight is Enough
"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." -Ernest Hemingway
Monday was my 8th round of Herceptin. I am over it, but I am thankful that I have a targeted drug. Some aren't so fortunate. My friend C came to check on me that night and ask me how my infusion went. I was telling him that each time I go in, someone is there for their first round of chemo. You can't help but overhear the conversations. The nurses explaining the process, the time each infusion will take and the side effects. I am taken back to the very first day I walked in to that infusion room. My first nurse. The first time I had my port accessed and all of the safety precautions I had to learn.
Thankfully I haven't had any horrible side effects from the Herceptin. Until now, number 8. I have felt lousy for the last two days. But even though I'm down in the dumps, and have 9 more rounds to go, I don't have to endure any more chemo...many are not so fortunate. I hate cancer.
I haven't blogged in a while. I have been keeping myself busy, a defense mechanism to avoid going into what I call "the pit". I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself for too long, so planning adventures keeps me going. Over the last month I have had fabulous girls' weekends, made fun memories with my kids, danced to the Backstreet Boys with friends at a dive bar on a Tuesday and even crashed a wedding! The fun times keep me going, but I would be lying if I said there weren't bad times too. The pain is real and I am still on my journey to healing and stronger broken places.
When things slow down, I get lonely. It's in those times I grieve the losses that I have experienced over the past year. It's hard, it sucks—it hurts. Sometimes I cry so hard I can't catch my breath. I remind myself that I am doing the best that I can given my set of circumstances. I tell myself I will make it through this. To where? I have no clue. Not knowing when or what that will look like is really freaking frustrating. Especially when I just want things to be the way I hoped they would be NOW.
In a world filled with ways to obtain instant gratification, stopping to feel the pain is even harder. I feel like I am attached to a rubber band at times. Running away from the pain, only to be snapped back to reality. I know it's the grace of God pulling me back like that rubber band, reminding me that there is something greater out there for me if I just take the time to heal properly. He will make my broken places stronger...and I thank Him for never letting me go, even when I try to run.
I heard this song on the way to my appointment this morning. The tears came again. I HAVE to trust that He has better plans I haven't even dreamt of yet.
"Now everything I know is God you're in control, in every little detail you are close. I'll never be alone, here in the unknown...the power of your presence fills my soul." -Trust, Hillsong Young & Free
XO,
C
Reconstruct
Current stage in my physical reconstruction.
My hair is making a comeback and so am I.
Reconstruct
: to build (something damaged or destroyed) again
For the past week I have been recovering from my breast reconstruction surgery. I thought I would be back at it in just a few days—but unfortunately, I caught the flu mid-recovery. This meant even more time spent in my house, chained to my recliner. I've had plenty of time to feel thankful, sad, angry, lonely and...to cry. The reconstruction recovery reminded me that I never blogged about my mastectomy. Here I am at the rebuilding, and I never shared what it felt like when my breasts were destroyed.
As I think back to my bilateral mastectomy on October 16, 2015, I didn't mourn the loss of my breasts. I was just focused on getting the cancer out. I knew because of a new procedure and my amazing surgeons at Moffitt, my mastectomy wouldn't look like the scary mastectomy photos I had seen online. I suppose that lessened the blow. I would never see or feel them again—but I didn't grieve the loss at that time. I was also distracted by all of the other things I was grieving simultaniously.
A week ago, I stood in front of the mirror for what seemed like hours staring at my new breasts. Breast that will probably be in the same position when I am 80 if I make it there, lol. They look beautiful, but they aren't mine. For the first time I cried over the loss of my real breasts...5 months later. They weren't just my breasts, they fed my 4 children as I nursed them. They were a part of me. I was finally really grieving the loss.
It's hard to understand this loss unless you have experienced it. Sure, everyone will agree it that is hard and say they can't imagine. Some will also tell you that since chemo is over and you have been "built again" it's over! New breasts, yay how exciting! It's not over. Cancer will never be over for me. Not only did my breasts have to be rebuilt, but I am being reconstructed in other ways too. I never doubted that I would beat this, but I never imagined how hard it would be either. Every step. Not just the surgeries, chemo and loosing my hair. There is an isolation that I can not explain, even with hundreds of people who have my back and would jump the moment I call. I do appreciate all of the the people in my life. The family and friends who have taken care of me, the friends that have prayed for me from afar and the friends who treat me like Cathy and not the sick girl with cancer.
We all have a chance to be rebuilt or to rebuild something that has been damaged or destroyed. This journey has given me time to take a close look at the things that need to be rebuilt in my life. My confidence, my self-worth, my independence. Those were never wavering a year ago. But just as I have had to mourn the loss of my breasts, I have had to mourn the loss of my old life. There are good days and bad. But with every step what has been destroyed—is being rebuilt.
XO,
C
Dear Chemo,
Dear Chemo,
I don't want you, I don't like you and I want to break up immediately!
*Warning, if you are looking to be inspired, exit out. This is definitely not a feel good post. Hopefully I will be back to those in few days.
I went from feeling like this on Friday night:
We miss the Nordstrom Christmas Party in Tampa! BRING IT BACK!
to not being able to get out of bed on Saturday. I was still in bed all day today and it's Tuesday. I miss the outside, I miss sunshine, I miss people...and I am missing my friend's VIP restaurant opening party tonight. I won't even be able to go to my little boy's birthday party at the fun center, due to it being a germ factory.
I know I should be grateful for what is good in my life. I should be thankful that I am being kept alive and the cancer is being knocked out. I should be grateful that I only have 4 rounds total when some have dozens.
But I don't want any. more. chemo!
I went from being 100% healthy to 100% sickly and I can't take it. Such a huge shock and lifestyle change. Everyone keeps reminding me that it's temporary, just a blip on the radar. Is it? Because mentally and emotionally...I don't know if I agree with that at all. I don't think this will ever be temporary for me.
I am on the go, all of the time. Sitting still just isn't my thing. But I haven't had a choice for four days now. I have had bone pain that is crippling, stomach cramps worse than labor pains, headaches and nausea. I feel like I have been run over by a truck. The girl who is always smiling, has not been able to stop crying. I don't want to fight anymore, I want it to stop. I want to go back to normal, back to work and back to my happy self. I want to be a real mom again, not one that just gets up when she can muster enough energy to make it to the kitchen. I want to tuck my babies in at night and read them stories. I can't even be near them if they have a sniffle.
What am I learning out of all of this? Patience possibly? How to be happy in the middle of a shit storm? I don't know. Maybe when it's over I will have some profound epiphany to share. But for now, I will share that this SUCKS, and I want it over with pronto.
I can't close this out complaining. I do want to thank my Fight Club for taking over when I can't fight. They have been praying, bringing me food that I feel like eating and cleaning out my refrigerator. The gifts keep on coming! Every day something good happens, it doesn't make me like this any more or say, "WOW I am so glad this happened to me because I never would have..." but the sweet spots overwhelm me, make me feel loved and keep me going on days like today when I want to say, I AM DONE!
XO,
C
Round 2!
It all begins with an idea.
Round 2 was super eventful. I pulled off 4 different looks, had queso with my chemo and loved on my sweet momma and first born.
Here are a few of my new looks. I am actually having fun with no hair. Well...t's fun for now. I am sure I will be ready to have my hair back any minute though!
Then, THIS HAPPENED! AHHHHH!
Right in the middle of my infusion! If you know me, you know I have a Lululemon addiction. I was already a fan, but as you can see now, they have my heart. <3 I can't WAIT to blog about the treat they are sending me, stay tuned!
So 2 Down, 2 to go! Blessings abound…even in the storm.
XO,
C