Reconnaissant

Reconnaissant, grateful. 

It is really hard for me to be grateful in the midst of a storm. Facing the trials that I have this past year, with the addition of my breast cancer diagnosis has rocked me to my core. I have had some really fun diversions, but I won't sugar coat it...the lows are really low. The lows usually are the lowest when I'm sick from chemo. I know they are coming long before the side effects hit, but I can never fully prepare myself. I have been forced to push through multiple types of pain in 2015.

And excuse my english—but 2015 can suck it.

"We don't know how strong we are until being strong is the only choice we have." 

A dear friend sent these words on a card along with a gift recently. She probably has no idea that the words spoke louder than the gift.

I have read that an attitude of gratitude can pull you out of any funk. But it is so hard for me to be grateful when I am hurting. I should be in Paris right now, with my girlfriends celebrating our 40th birthdays. Instead, I have been in a dark hole for the past few days. Crying and wondering why I have to go through all of this, asking God why I have to feel this pain and begging Him to take it from me. I have been feeling sorry for myself, wondering when and if I will be at peace again and—feeling so much anxiety about my future. I know my God and my other resources are out there, but I couldn't even force myself to tap into them.

Until yesterday.

I remembered a list I started in 2012 after reading one thousand gifts. I went back and realized I only made it to number 362. I must have stopped counting some time in 2014. As I went back and read through my list I realized how happy I was. For little things like the smell of coffee brewing, talks in the car with my toddlers, Saturday morning pancakes and dance parties on balconies. I suppose I was so busy being happy, I forgot to keep counting. I never stopped to think about how hard it would be to count gifts when the going got so tough I could barely drag myself out of bed. Yesterday I started counting again, I made myself. The minute I started to think about all that I have to be grateful for right now, the better I felt. I am not miraculously healed, but at least I am not in the fetal position crying anymore. 

Maybe my life isn't what I thought it should be or what I wanted it to be as I turn 40 tomorrow. But as excruciating as it is, I have an opportunity to learn and grow from the pain. It isn't fun, but for some reason it must be necessary for me. Will I learn to let go and accept that there are some things I will never be able to change or control? Can I be strong enough to be content with the fact that my family doesn't look the same as it did last year? Can I accept love from friends and family that will carry me through the lonely times? These are the mountains I will climb in 2016, but there will always be something to be grateful for, so the list goes on—and so will I.

XO,

C

363. Chemo and a targeted drug that's killing my cancer

364. Amazing doctors that love me

365. Meals delivered to my home

366. Encouraging cards in the mail

367. Socks

368. New friends

369. Cathy's Fight Club

370. My Fight Club blanket (pictured above, thank you A!)

371. Crazy cancer trips

372. New York City

373. Bubby's mac and cheese

373. Surfing

374. Boat parades

375. Brothers

376. Sisters

377. Good insurance

378. My job

379. My work family

380. When a little bit of Paris comes to me when I can't go to it

381. Croissants

382. Macarons

383. A giant box of head scarfs from a friend

384. Loving on my friend's babies

385. Snapchat fun with Syd

‘Twas the Night Before Chemo

Chemo brain is a common term used by cancer survivors to describe thinking and memory problems that can occur after cancer treatment.Chemo brain can also be called chemo fog, chemotherapy-related cognitive impairment or cognitive dysfunction.

OH. MY. WORD. It's true and I have proof. Every morning when I walk into work I am greeted by two sweet employees in the finance department, who sit by the entrance door of my building. Yesterday I went down to let a delivery man in and I stopped to say hi to them. They asked me how I was doing and mentioned something that I didn't realize they knew. They then proceeded to to tell me that a few weeks ago, I told them my entire life story in detail—and I have NO recollection of the conversation. AT ALL! I was mortified, embarrassed and most of all SCARED. How could I not remember a thing? What else has been wiped from my memory? I did however, laugh...and they laughed right along with me. They must have made me feel pretty comfortable since I told them all about my struggles, cancer, surgery and more. N said, "Well you might not remember a thing—but we know you REALLY well now, lol!"

Round 3 and Christmas Eve chemo is tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it, but I am ready to get this over with. On the bright side, my friend L is going to take me. I am in awe of my friends. Friends that are willing to do things like sacrifice their Christmas Eve to sit in an infusion lab with me! My cup runneth over in the midst of this crap storm. Aside from the chemo brain, I am very blessed to have felt good for the past couple of weeks. I am praying that I power through this round too. I am loaded up on soup from my friends and Berna's amazing healing bone broth. If you are ever in Lakeland you MUST go meet her and eat at Cafe Zuppina. She's one of the sweetest ladies I know, and the food is like no other! Her bone broth is one of the only things I can stomach when the chemo side effects kick in. Tell her I sent you, there's so much goodness in this lovely little town.

On to fashion, yesterday I wore one of the pairs of Lululemon pants that they sent me to work. I may or may not have slept in them the night before. I threw on heels and a necklace to make it look a little less like pajamas. Ha! I have never been more comfortable at work.

I did however make a comeback today thanks to my friends at 5th and Hall. My eye was on this skirt as soon as I saw them post it on social media.  I am thrilled to have them adding to the fashion scene here in Lakeland.

Skirt: 5th and Hall (K&A, I miss your sweet store SO much, Shoes: Halogen, Top: Banana Republic, Necklace: Kate Spade

Tomorrow it's back to pajamas for chemo. Thank you all for your prayers and love. I want to wish you ALL a very Merry Christmas!

XO,
C

Dear Chemo,

Dear Chemo,

I don't want you, I don't like you and I want to break up immediately!

*Warning, if you are looking to be inspired, exit out. This is definitely not a feel good post. Hopefully I will be back to those in few days.

I went from feeling like this on Friday night:

We miss the Nordstrom Christmas Party in Tampa! BRING IT BACK!

to not being able to get out of bed on Saturday. I was still in bed all day today and it's Tuesday. I miss the outside, I miss sunshine, I miss people...and I am missing my friend's VIP restaurant opening party tonight. I won't even be able to go to my little boy's birthday party at the fun center, due to it being a germ factory.

I know I should be grateful for what is good in my life. I should be thankful that I am being kept alive and the cancer is being knocked out. I should be grateful that I only have 4 rounds total when some have dozens.

But I don't want any. more. chemo! 

I went from being 100% healthy to 100% sickly and I can't take it. Such a huge shock and lifestyle change. Everyone keeps reminding me that it's temporary, just a blip on the radar. Is it? Because mentally and emotionally...I don't know if I agree with that at all. I don't think this will ever be temporary for me.

I am on the go, all of the time. Sitting still just isn't my thing. But I haven't had a choice for four days now. I have had bone pain that is crippling, stomach cramps worse than labor pains, headaches and nausea. I feel like I have been run over by a truck. The girl who is always smiling, has not been able to stop crying. I don't want to fight anymore, I want it to stop. I want to go back to normal, back to work and back to my happy self. I want to be a real mom again, not one that just gets up when she can muster enough energy to make it to the kitchen. I want to tuck my babies in at night and read them stories. I can't even be near them if they have a sniffle.

What am I learning out of all of this? Patience possibly? How to be happy in the middle of a shit storm? I don't know. Maybe when it's over I will have some profound epiphany to share. But for now, I will share that this SUCKS, and I want it over with pronto.

I can't close this out complaining. I do want to thank my Fight Club for taking over when I can't fight. They have been praying, bringing me food that I feel like eating and cleaning out my refrigerator. The gifts keep on coming! Every day something good happens, it doesn't make me like this any more or say, "WOW I am so glad this happened to me because I never would have..." but the sweet spots overwhelm me, make me feel loved and keep me going on days like today when I want to say, I AM DONE!

XO,

C

Round 2!

Round 2 was super eventful. I pulled off 4 different looks, had queso with my chemo and loved on my sweet momma and first born.

Here are a few of my new looks. I am actually having fun with no hair. Well...t's fun for now. I am sure I will be ready to have my hair back any minute though!

 Then, THIS HAPPENED! AHHHHH!

Right in the middle of my infusion! If you know me, you know I have a Lululemon addiction. I was already a fan, but as you can see now, they have my heart. <3  I can't WAIT to blog about the treat they are sending me, stay tuned!

So 2 Down, 2 to go! Blessings abound…even in the storm.

XO,

C

Before and After

Me and my friend P!

Dedicating this post to you! XO

Before. I met P when I started my new job just a short five months ago. I have always believed that God sends us the right people at the right time, but this time I have proof. She has been there for me since the day I received my diagnosis. She has listened to me, encouraged me, witnessed me lose it–and she has helped me in so many ways. Tonight, she shaved her head with me. She even went first to make it less traumatic for me. I can't even begin to describe what her sacrifice and tribute means to me.

Bald Baddies!

After. Here we are in our after ROCKING it! It is just hair. But for me, it wasn't about the fear of how I would look. I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Now every time I look in the mirror, my bald head will remind me that I am fighting stupid cancer and I'm on stupid chemo. I can't eat after my kids, I worry about kissing them unless I have doused them with hand sanitizer or disinfectant spray. I'm not the homeroom mom anymore, I forget everything, I double book, I obsess about hand washing, I can't order certain foods at restaurants, I have a new normal...for now. There is nothing about any of this that is fun but even on the darkest of days, I have hope. I have friends like P, who love me and who are there for me exactly when and how I need them to be. They are there for me without me asking, and even when they don't know what to say. I wouldn't even know what to say to me. Seriously.

After, after. I still look like me, thanks to my amazing hair stylist Jen. I may have spent on a wig what I really wanted to spend on these Christian Louboutins–but I will wear the wig much more over the next few months...and the Louboutins will come AFTER I kick the crap out of this cancer. Something else to look forward to :) I've had some very dark days and I know there will be more to come. But every day there IS something to be grateful for. I am thankful for my healthy children, my mother being my right hand, my family, my friends like P, my supportive work family, my amazing doctors at Moffitt Cancer Center and my fight club members who have been delivering meals, cards, gifts and encouragement. That's the short list, there is so much more. Thank you, for allowing me to share my story and my heart. Three more to go...I can and will do this, even though I don't want to.

XO,

C

Adele, Relaxing and Reality

I'm obsessed. Adele's new album. It was on repeat in my bathroom tonight.

This picture, is reality. I was home alone tonight so a relaxing bath was in order. This was probably one of the most emotional baths of my life and I have taken thousands. I have talked about loosing my hair before (damn you breast cancer) and everyone has been so supportive. I hear echoing encouragements of how I will be beautiful no matter what, hair doesn't matter, bald is beautiful, how I will rock a wig, etc. But the feeling that I had tonight wasn't about any insecurity of how I will look, or fear of loosing my hair. It was that this sh&t is getting REAL. The chemo is working. After only ONE round of poison that will kill every cell of cancer that may be left in my body, my hair is falling out when I run my fingers through it. It's crazy. I have never felt this feeling before. It's scary, emotional, real and NOT about hair.

After work on Monday I won't have to worry about clogging anymore drains. My sweet friend and hair stylist is going to save me from the madness. I have had friends go before me in this fight and they have told me to wait until I am ready. Well after tonight...and thanks to Adele singing her heart out in the background, I am READY!

What's even more shocking and unbelievable to me is that I have a friend joining me. She has no agenda, other than she has had a fear of cancer for the longest time after loosing loved ones closest to her. She told me that I brought a calm to her storm–and I was the first person to bring her hope when she has only looked at cancer as a way to say goodbye. What an incredible woman and what an honor it is for me to call her friend. Her sacrifice is overwhelming to me, I don't know that I could do it and I don't know many that would.

This Thursday will be round two, and then I can say I am halfway there. I can do this, I will do this. It's emotional, it's hard and it's lonely even with hundreds of people surrounding me. But I am thankful for every day that I have. I am grateful for every painful moment of my story, for the craziness that I feel (and may have deflected on others, lol) and how it may help someone else in the days to come. The fight is on people, and it's real. Thank you for loving me.

XO,

C